


The Tale of the Utterly Gutsy Fathers

by vikthottie



Category: Naruto
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Fatherhood, Fluff, M/M, Not M-Preg, non Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-07-10 22:53:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7011544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vikthottie/pseuds/vikthottie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sasuke and Naruto are blindsided when Kakashi tells them that they have a kid, courtesy of Orochimaru's genetic experimentation. How are they going to raise a kid they didn't know they had? What do you mean you can't just "leave them alone and hope for the best"? Sasuke and Naruto turned out fine, didn't they? And why the fuck isn't Orochimaru imprisoned for this shit? A fluff/crack fanfic about sns becoming fathers, but actually a fanfic about baby Menma.</p><p>[ON INDEFINITE HOLD. remember that one tweet where the lady took 10 years to update a fanfic cause she a job, husband, and child? it's gon be a long ten years babes. thanks for all the support.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Buzzfeed Konoha's new video: Gay Shinobi Ninjas Get Surprised with Burdening Responsibility of Parenthood

**Author's Note:**

> hello i am back at it again with the bad summaries. this is my second fanfic which i totally wrote when i was sober. it started off jokingly but then turned into quite an interesting concept, so im going along with it. as always, leave kudos/comments and if you want to message me about anything - fanfics, concepts, headcanons, writing errors, credit card numbers - then message me @ xiuxsns.tumblr.com! thanks y'all.
> 
> edit (5/29/16): haha. don't edit when drunk y'all there are so many mistakes in this.

Kakashi Hatake, jounin at 10 years old, ANBU captain at the age of 13, and Konoha’s Sixth Hokage, was facing his toughest dilemma yet.

“Stop spewing shit, Kakashi.” “This isn’t fucking funny, Kakashi-sensei!”

Naruto Uzumaki and Sasuke Uchiha, saviors of the world, reincarnations of gods, the two strongest shinobi alive, stared at him with a mixture of shock and anger. And quite honestly, he couldn’t blame them. Kakashi _wished_ he could just pop a smile and tell them that this was all a joke, then go back to reading his new obsession, Ero Ero Sanctuary, but whatever he was saying was the cold, hard truth.

“Sakura reported that the baby is in good health and shows no signs of alteration or Curse Marks.” Kakashi explained. “We’re currently interrogating Orochimaru and overseeing the operations of his hideouts to ensure he’s not breaking the agreement with the Allied Forces. He’s not _supposed_ to be conducting experiments, after all…”

Kakashi trailed off then, now wondering why Orochimaru wasn’t jailed for his atrocious crimes against the Five Nations. The dude has done some fucked up shit, but he’s pardoned because he revived some dead people and let them do all the work? Kakashi sighed. That’s something Naruto’s going to have to deal with when he takes over. For now, the only problem Kakashi had to deal with is the baby with whiskered cheeks sleeping in the hospital.

Silence overcame them as the two shinobi processed his words, their angered faces slowly turning into one of pure dread and terror. It seems to have finally sunk in. Kakashi gave them a meek, supportive smile.

“I know this is rather sudden news, but I hope you guys make the best of it. If you two want to see the baby for yourselves, Sakura is currently at the hospital with the baby -”

A flurry of papers hit him face as the two ninjas bust out of the room. The speed of their departure almost caused a mini tornado in his office. Kakashi heaved a large sigh and made no move to pick up the papers from the floor. He had assistants for that. He swiveled in his seat and towards the window, thinking about how nice the weather was and ignoring the blurred figures of Naruto and Sasuke as they sprinted from rooftop to rooftop.

He slipped a light novel from the drawer of his desk and started to read, hoping for retirement to come quicker.

 

* * *

 

_“Whattheufkcwhatfthe fucka what Fwhat fthe FUCK!”_

That was the only thing going through Naruto Uzumaki’s head ever since Kakashi opened his mouth in the Hokage Office. At first, he thought his former sensei was just joking around with them for old time’s sake. Just a bunch of dudes getting together after a catastrophic war to share a few laughs.

*****HOW NARUTO UZUMAKI THOUGHT THE MEETING WOULD GO*****

Kakashi: Hey, remember when I stuck my fingers up your ass? Hahaha

Sasuke: And now _I’m_ the one sticking my fingers up his ass!

Naruto: (rolling his eyes) You guys!

Studio Audience: (laughter)

*******

He stopped atop of the building in front of Konoha Hospital with a frown on his face. That was not how the meeting went at all. Instead, Kakashi called the two of them to say -

“Our kid is in that hospital.” Naruto blurted out when he felt Sasuke land next to him.

Saying those words aloud made the situation even all the more insane. _Our_ kid. Him and Sasuke’s kid. How was that even possible? Naruto may not have been the best student at the Academy, but he knew that dick + asshole = baby was just biologically impossible. ...right? Ah fuck, now he was starting to doubt himself.

“Our kid isn’t in the hospital, _a_ kid is in the hospital. There’s no possible way that we could ever have kids.” Sasuke said as if he read Naruto’s thoughts.

Naruto wouldn’t put it past him. Who knew what kind of supercool shit that Rinnegan was capable of doing. He tried to think of Sasuke in a frilly maid outfit to test out his theory, because there’s no way Sasuke wouldn’t react to Naruto picturing him in a tiny black skirt with white lace stockings, calling him “master” and “monsieur.”

When Sasuke shot him a nasty glare, Naruto almost yelped. Can Sasuke actually read minds now?

“You’re drooling.”

Oh. Guess not.

Naruto wiped his mouth with his sleeve as Sasuke rolled his eyes at him and jumped towards the hospital, heading inside without giving Naruto so much as a glance. Naruto shouted profanities at him as he quickly followed, only quieting down when they passed through the automatic sliding doors of the renovated Konoha Hospital. The place has really improved since Sakura took over. Konoha Hospital, for lack of better terms, used to be a shithole compared to the fancy, linoleum floors and motion sensored entrance ways they were now walking through. 

“Our stay at the hospital wouldn’t have been so bad if it was nice like this.” Naruto commented.

Sasuke didn’t respond. Not even a twitch of acknowledgement. It was clear to him that Sasuke was in a bad mood and trying to strike up any conversation with an irritated Uchiha was one of the worst things you could possibly do. With a pout, he stuck his hands inside his pockets and walked in silence next to his supposed boyfriend. If Sasuke was going to play the silent game, then Naruto was going to make sure he wins.

Along the way, he was often stopped by various admirers and fawning nurses, but he was having a really hard time getting out of their conversations. What was he supposed to say? “Hey I can’t talk right now because I have to go meet my child that my best friend and I somehow conceived without knowing?”  

An old lady approached him and placed a gentle grip on his arm. "Oh my grandddaughter just loves you! Can we take a quick picture?"

Naruto opened his mouth to politely decline, but he suddenly felt Sasuke's strong grip on his other arm.

“We’re in a hurry.” Sasuke said through gritted teeth, trying to put on his best “I’m not mad enough to Chidori you” behavior. Naruto didn’t think he was going that great of a job.

Naruto almost howled in pain as the gentle grip she had on his left arm suddenly felt like a steel bear trap latched onto him. What in the world? Did this old lady benchpress large boulders in her spare time? Or train with Rock Lee? Why the fuck was she so strong?

“It will only take a second. My granddaughter’s birthday is coming up soon.” The old lady’s smile never left her face.

The grip on his right arm tightened significantly and Naruto glared at Sasuke. Out of all the people Sasuke got into a fight with about his best friend turned boyfriend, he decided to chose the old lady with the blood of Hulk running through her veins? How romantic.

“We’ll email you.” Sasuke retorted, his composure fading away.

Naruto felt Sasuke tug his right arm and then his left arm responded with twice the amount of force. Sasuke and the old lady glared at each other intensely for a few long moments. And then suddenly, Naruto found himself crying out in pain as the two played Tug of War with his arms. His shoulders rebelled against the stretch and why were the both of them not noticing how much pain he was in?! Naruto’s certain he’s going to get a dislocated shoulder, which wouldn’t be a problem since they were already in the hospital, but that wasn’t the point.

“Sasuke-kun? Naruto?”

Finally the two seemed to pause in their game just enough for Naruto to wiggle out of their grip. He ran towards Sakura like a small child reuniting with his mother after being lost at the supermarket. He gave the medic-nin a thankful look for saving both of his limbs. 

The old lady took the interruption as her cue to leave, which left the teammates standing in the hallway, an awkward silence between them as they ignored the raging pink elephant in the room. Or the _multiple_ elephants in the room. Things got awkward between Sasuke and Sakura when he rejected her after the war and just when things seemed to get better, Naruto and Sasuke came out with their relationship. Well, they didn’t come out as much as they were _found out,_ but right now, that was a mental flashback for another time. There were more pressing matters to attend too.

The fact that he and Sasuke might have a child together, for example.

“So...we heard from Kakashi.” Naruto started to say, hoping Sakura would take the hint to continue.

Sakura nodded her head and then quickly gave them an uneasy smile. She opened her mouth as if wanting to say something more, but couldn’t find the words. Her uneasiness only made Naruto feel even more nervous, because now all of this actually felt real. He prayed that Sakura would say that this was a mistake and the baby belonged to _another_ gay shinobi couple, but Naruto had a feeling that wasn’t going to be the case.

She motioned towards a doorway, gesturing for them to go inside.

“Maybe this would be easier to explain once you see him.”

Naruto gulped. Uh-oh. This wasn’t a good sign.

He shared a look with Sasuke who seemed to look just as apprehensive as he felt. Sasuke took a cautious step into the room and barely got two steps in before stopping. Naruto followed closely behind him and realized why Sasuke didn’t move further.

Just a few feet away from them was a small bed with a noticeable bundle wrapped in a blanket, sleeping soundly. Everything in Naruto went on full blown shut down mode. He didn’t think. He didn’t speak. He doesn’t even remember breathing.

“I guess Kakashi is leaving me to do all the explaining.” Sakura said. “We ran all the tests and triple-checked the charts...there’s no denying it. That baby is definitely the both of yours.”

Naruto’s soul left his body and cackled with laughter the entire way.

“ _Haha! Good luck with parenthood, sucker!”_ Naruto’s soul said as he floated away.

If one could listen to the sound of Naruto’s brain right now, all they would hear is white static noises with occasional mocking laughter from Kurama. He could see Sasuke and Sakura talking, but he couldn’t make out the exact words. Something about “running tests again” and how “Orochimaru was experimenting with Hashirama’s cells” and Naruto hears her say a bunch of complicated genetic stuff about chakra signatures, but he no longer had the strength to question her.

“I know the circumstances kind of suck but congratulations. It’s a baby boy.” Sakura said in a cheerful doctor voice.

Sasuke gave her a look that said, “I swear to God, if I didn’t kill you before Sakura, I will kill you now.”

Sakura returned his look with a thin smile which stated, “If you even try that shit with me again, your arm won’t be the only thing that needs replacing.”

Naruto took a few tentative steps towards the bed; his hands were clammy and his heart pounded so hard he felt it in his ears. On the bed, completely unaware of the insanely complicated situation that he was just born into, was a small toddler who couldn’t have been more than 3 or 4 years old. An actual, living, breathing child. A boy with dark hair and fair skin, just like Sasuke. His cheeks were whiskered, just like Naruto’s.

“Sasuke, you need to come over here. Like right now.”

“What?” Sasuke stood beside him.

Naruto couldn’t see Sasuke’s expression, but he heard the Uchiha utter a feeble, “Oh.” at the sight of the child.

“...oh.” Naruto repeated distantly.

The child started to stir underneath the sheets, face scrunched up in discomfort as he slowly opened his eyes. Naruto was surprised to see the color blue staring back at him. He looked so much like him and Sasuke that it only made Naruto’s unsteady and kind of terrified feelings for the boy start to solidify into something that he didn’t quite know how to describe. But the feeling struck him so strongly and so suddenly that he almost lost himself within the moment, unable to see anything except those bright, curious orbs.

“H-Hey…” Naruto greeted nervously. “Um...you good?”

Naruto heard Sasuke scoff besides him.

“Really Naruto? ‘You good’?”

He elbowed Sasuke with an indignant huff. It’s not his fault he had no clue what to say.

“Well what else do you expect me to do? Just stare at him in Uchiha trademarked silent contempt?”

Sasuke’s eyes flashed when anger and they both scowled at each other, until Naruto heard small whimpers coming from the bed. He realized that he had unknowingly raised his voice and startled the child, his bottom lip quivering as the boy sank back into the blanket. Tears started to pool in the corner of his eyes. _Oh fuck._ Naruto just made a kid - _his_ kid - cry.

“Nonono, don’t cry. I’m not a mean person, I promise. I’m super duper fun! Definitely funner than this piece of wood next to me!” Naruto pleaded desperately as he crouched down next the boy.

He considered reaching out and maybe hugging him or holding his hand, but it was already too late. Big fat drops of water started to pour out from the child’s eyes.

The boy opened his mouth and wailed.  


	2. Sasuke Uchiha's Defeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura forces Sasuke to spend a day with the boy in an attempt to get him to melt his ice cold heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mapped out this crack fic and it will probably be around 15 chapters. May be subject to change. Anyways, the child is nameless until I write the chapter related to Menma's naming process, so bear with me for now. As always leave kudos/comments/life long dreams! :) Thanks y'all <3

For whatever odd reason, Sasuke Uchiha found himself standing by a kitchen counter, a nearly completed bento box in front of him.

In his hands were a pair of chopsticks, still holding onto an octopus sausage and positioned over the bento as if _he_ was the one that was making it. The Konoha symbol crafted in seaweed sat on a bed of fluffy white rice, the lunch box perfectly portioned and designed. Did he do this? Was Sasuke Uchiha even capable of making something so cute? The octopus sausages even had sesame seed eyes on them. Maybe he was making this for Naruto, but he couldn’t remember. The bento contained sausages, egg omelets, and menma...wait. Huh? Sasuke placed the chopsticks down.

Menma? Naruto hates menma. So why was Sasuke putting it inside of his bento?

“Mornin’ Sasuke.”

A pair of arms wrapped around his waist as Naruto plopped a kiss on his cheek. Okay, well at least that was normal. He wanted to ask Naruto about the bento, but froze when he saw the blonde pour milk into a _glass cup_. That wasn’t normal. The Naruto Uzumaki _he_ knew drank out of the carton. Always.

“Oh shit,” Naruto squinted at the expiration date on the carton. “This expired two days ago.”

What the fuck? Did Naruto Uzumaki just check an expiration date? Okay, something was definitely not right.

“Your bentos always look so good. He wouldn’t stop complaining about my cooking while you were away on that mission.” Naruto commented, not noticing the suspicious look Sasuke was sure to be giving him.

He? Who was this “he” that Naruto was talking about? Since when did Sasuke Uchiha even have this much inner dialogue? For some reason, he couldn’t find his voice. He scanned the kitchen and realized that this wasn’t his nor Naruto’s apartment. Since when did he and Naruto move into such a nice place? Is that….is that a balcony?! Holy shit. They were fucking balling.

“Should you wake him up or should I?”

Sasuke’s attention shot back to Naruto and he gasped, eyes widened in shock and slight horror. Naruto was wearing clothes that he’s never seen before; a long-sleeved orange shirt with black stripes across the ends of his sleeves. But it wasn’t the clothes that caused his reaction (well, the clothes Naruto wears will always be kind of a problem, but Sasuke digresses), it was the fact that Naruto looked so _old._

His eyes were more deep set and wrinkled around the corners, the early signs of sagging showed in Naruto’s smile lines, and _that haircut_. Jesus Christ, that haircut. Elder Naruto gave him a questioning look, completely oblivious to the fact that he turned into an advertisement for Life Alert in a matter of seconds.

“Sasuke, did you hear me? Who’s going to wake him up?”

“Wake who up?” Sasuke’s voice was a lot calmer than he felt.  

“What do you mean?” Naruto chuckled, as if Sasuke was just playing with him or something. “Our son, of course. Who else?”

Sasuke’s world started to fall apart. What did this old ass Naruto just say? Their _son?_ Since when did they get a _son?_

“Papa! Dad! Have you seen my _hitai-ate?_ ” An unfamiliar voice called from the hallway.

Naruto rolled his eyes and yelled, “You lost it again?! When I was your age, I polished my _hitai-ate_ every single day and you just toss it around like it’s a toy!” He stalked off, murmuring under his breath about careless brats, leaving a devastated and confused Sasuke in the kitchen.

 _I’m trapped inside of a dream._ Sasuke concluded. _We never defeated Kaguya. This is an Infinite Tsukuyomi._

Footsteps came from the hallway as Naruto reentered the kitchen, sternly lecturing the figure beside him that was currently blocked by the wall. Sasuke lurched when the figure finally stepped into his vision: a boy with midnight black hair and striking blue eyes stared back at him.

The young boy smiled at him and opened his mouth to say -

Sasuke shot out of bed in an upright sitting position, cold sweat collecting on his nape. He heaved a heavy sigh when he took in the familiar surroundings of his bedroom. Naruto was sleeping soundly besides him, his arm still draped over Sasuke’s stomach as he drooled. _It was just a dream._ He told himself as he tugged at the strands of his hair in mild frustration. _No, it was a nightmare._

It’s been a few weeks since they were informed by Kakashi that Orochimaru, that sly fucker, created a human specimen using his and Naruto’s chakra and DNA samples. Kakashi forbade the two of them from seeing Orochimaru because he didn’t think they were “emotionally capable” of holding a peaceful interrogation with him. Sasuke scoffed at the thought.

Since when did Konoha care about whether or not people were “emotionally capable” for shit? He laid back down and turned until he was facing Naruto, frowning at how peaceful and untroubled Naruto had been these past few weeks. Naruto insisted on visiting the child on a daily basis ever since he made the boy cry and wouldn't stop fawning over how cute he was. But how adorable would the child be when half of their mission funds gets poured into diapers, baby food, and glittered shoes that squeak? Probably not that cute at all.

Besides, was Naruto actually serious about this? Does he really picture them together, raising a child, like a perfect stock photo family? Sasuke shuddered at the thought of making Uchiha-symbol themed bento boxes. He knew that he had it on almost every article of clothing he owned, but he crossed the line with bento art. That was just overkill.

He shut his eyes and tried to get some sleep, knowing that thinking about it wasn’t going to solve any problems. For now, Kakashi and Sakura seemed content with their daily hospital visits, but he knew that a decision has to be made soon.

He fell asleep with the words, “Papa!” still ringing in his ears.

 

* * *

 

“There it is! The Ten-Tails beast, but - oh no! - it’s creating a catastrophic Tailed Beast Ball! If we don’t figure out a way to stop it, then the entire world is going to end!”

Sasuke rolled his eyes. Naruto was waving a spoon full of food through the air as the baby clapped his hands and giggled with glee at the performance.

“Here it comes! The Ten-Tail’s attack! What will this little cutie pie do to save the world?!” Naruto gasped in fake horror.

He stuffed the spoon into the baby’s willing mouth and made an exploding sound between his lips, just for dramatic effect.

“Once again, this little ball of sunshine saves the shinobi world with the most powerful jutsu ever seen by mankind: Hungry Baby no Jutsu!” Naruto cheered triumphantly.

The little boy cried out in joy along with him, imitating Naruto’s fist pump into the air.

“Is this really necessary?” Sasuke asked drily.

The duo ignored him and went on to reenact yet another rendition of the Fourth Shinobi War. The baby’s mirthful laughter, while everyone else seemed to love it, made his ears ring painfully at the high pitched squeals.

Naruto gave him a sour look. “I’m just feeding him.”

“You’re not just feeding him, you’re _performing_ for him.” Sasuke retorted, wanting nothing more than to leave the hospital and go train or enjoy some peace and quiet.

“You’re just jealous because the baby likes me more than he likes you.” Naruto leered, going back to reenacting his fight against Obito. God, when will Naruto let it rest. We were all there. We know what happens.

“The _baby,”_ Sasuke said the word with disdain, “will be nice to anyone who gives him food.”

Not that he cared about whether or not the child liked him anyways. What should it matter to him what feelings a genetic experiment had? The only reason why he’s here everyday is because Naruto and Sakura would be on his ass for being “unsupportive” and “heartless” otherwise. Geez, you cry once during a fight - where he lost an arm, Sasuke might add - and everyone thinks they can boss you around.

“Why are you being such a bastard?” Naruto asked, shooting him a glare.

“Way to use foul language around a child, blockhead.”

That comment was enough to make Naruto shut up for a while, going back to feeding the baby who was eagerly awaiting Naruto’s next live stage. Sasuke tuned the both of them out the best as he could, growing more and more irritated with his partner as time went on. Asking him why he was being such a bastard was like asking why the sky is blue - that’s just the way the world works.

The better question was: why _wasn’t_ everybody acting like a bastard? Orochimaru went around conducting genetic experiments behind everyone’s back and no one seems to be batting an eyelash. Sure, the shinobi world was trying to plow a new road towards peace and love and other bullshit Sasuke didn’t have time for, but not one person was mortified by this? That crazy mad scientist went _against_ Naruto’s and his will to create a child without their consent. Sasuke demanded that justice be served, damned be “peace” and “ninja ways.”

Sasuke groaned inwardly at all of the thoughts racing through his head. Years of being able to control his inner dialogue to be just as stoic, indifferent, and painstakingly brief as he was on the outside, completely uprooted because of a burping toddler with apple sauce dripping down his chin.

...oh wait. That was Naruto.

“Are you eating his food?” Sasuke asked, baffled.

Naruto just smiled lightly, and offered as an explanation, “He doesn’t like apple sauce.”

Sasuke resisted the urge to facepalm or shout obscene profanities. He already had one child to worry about and now they were expecting him to take on two? He shook his head. He wasn’t going to do it. He was Sasuke fucking Uchiha, god damnit. The last living member of the revered Uchiha clan, a reincarnation of Indra Otsutsuki, the world’s most well-known avenger, and his hands were made to wield kunais, _not_ baby bottles and -

“Ahhhhh...”

Sasuke broke out of his thoughts and found that the boy had an arm stretched towards him, a spoonful of food wrapped around his little, tiny baby fingers that would’ve made any person squeal with adoration. His bright, sparkling blue eyes were looking at Sasuke expectantly, waiting for the man to accept his offering.

“Awww,” Naruto cooed, his face twisted in a painful expression probably because he thought the baby was so cute that it hurt. “He wants to feed you because he knows you’re upset.”

Sasuke maintained the blank expression on his face as he stared at the boy with mild annoyance. He didn’t like apple sauce either. Too prideful to let himself be affected by acts of baby induced cuteness, Sasuke said with a tone as sharp as a knife, “No.”

The boy paused and for a second, Sasuke thought the kid was going to cry, but instead he stretched his body even further, poking at Sasuke’s lips with the small spoon as if wanting to pry them open. The determined and competitive look in his blue eyes reminded Sasuke a little bit too much of Naruto back in the Academy. He glanced at his partner and then at the little boy, knowing full well that he was engaged in a losing battle. He sighed.

Everybody knew that he had a weakness and that weakness was Naruto Uzumaki.

“This is a one time deal.” He growled at the boy before taking in a spoonful of the apple sauce that was, just as he suspected, way too sweet for his liking.

The little boy just giggled happily in response.

 

* * *

 

Sasuke Uchiha was not ready for fatherhood.

In fact, he doesn’t want anything to do with fatherhood. Sure he said one of his dreams was the revival of his clan, but at the time, he was 12 years old making decisions like...willingly walking into a genderfluid snake-furry’s liar or….trying to murder his best friend. So really, how much validity did he hold? And now he’s 21 years old and Sakura is handing him adoption papers and he doesn’t know what the fuck to do.

“I’m not signing this.” He stated and Sakura rolled her eyes at him. He was glad that Sakura gotten over her “cry-on-sight” switch in his presence, but he wasn’t sure if he liked her new “sass-and-attitude” behavior towards him either.

“Oh, the big, bad _Uchiha_ scared of emotional attachment? What a shocker.”

Sasuke glared at her. Yup, he didn’t like this change one bit.

“I’m not scared of emotional attachment.” Sasuke lied. “It’s ridiculous that everyone assumes we’re going to raise this child on our own. I haven’t even discussed this with Naruto yet.”

Sakura flipped through the papers and pointed at the chicken scratch signature on the dotted X line.

“Naruto already signed it though.”

“...that fucking idiot.” He sighed heavily. Leave it up to Naruto to hastily decide things on his own.

“Sasuke,” Sakura’s tone softened and she sounded like they were 16 years old again, trying to get him to see the beauty in something that he didn’t think existed. “Why don’t you try babysitting him for the day? I think it would be good for you and boy to spend some time together.”

“I refuse.” Sasuke didn’t miss a beat in responding.

Sakura pursed her lips together and said, “ _Oh,_ my bad. I didn’t mean to be,” She looked off into the distance and sighed theatrically. “... _annoying.”_

A chill colder than Kaguya’s ice world went through the room.

“...I’ll babysit him.” Sasuke succumbed to the guilt trip.

“Fantastic! I’ll let the nurses know!” Sakura exclaimed cheerfully. She shot out of her seat with a victorious grin.

“It’s going to be fun, I promise.” She reassured him, giving him a harsh pat on the back that made him totter forward over the table.

As she walked away, her doctor’s coat fluttering behind her, Sasuke winced in pain and thought bitterly, “ _You’ve promised a lot of fucking things, Sakura.”_

 

* * *

 

Just treat this like any other mission and the day will go by in a flash.

This is what Sasuke told himself when the little boy dashed across his apartment, a hectic mess following behind him. He sighed. He just cleaned the place. Sakura told him that all he had to do was to drop off the 2 year old before the sun sets and if he still didn’t want to sign the adoption papers by then, Naruto and her would stop heckling him about it.

His mood grew even more sour at the thought of Naruto, still not quite over the fact that he signed the adoption papers without saying a word. Not one heads up, not even a poorly worded email. Who was the one abandoning the other person now? Sasuke didn’t even look in the boy’s general direction when he threw a thin metal wire towards him, effectively wrapping around his waist and just stopping him from opening Sasuke’s weaponry cabinet. The boy protested noisily, babbling nonsense as Sasuke dragged him away via metal wire without even moving an inch from his seat. Technically, the metal wire was only to be used for battle, but Sasuke figured that taking care of a 2 year old was one of the worst battles one can fight.  

“You’re not allowed to open that.” Sasuke stated simply to the boy who was near tears.

“No,” The boy cried in return.

“It’s dangerous.”

“Noooo!!!!!” The boy screamed at the top of his lungs.

Alright Sasuke, keep your cool. He spent his entire life fighting off dozens of fangirls, he can handle a little temper tantrum. What did people usually do to calm screaming children? He rarely ever cried when he was a child and all the times he had screamed, Itachi would always…

“Do you want to go to the park?” Sasuke offered, albeit unwillingly.

Almost immediately, the boy’s cries seemed to stop. He had on an innocent, puppy-eyed look as he nodded.

“That cute act isn’t going to work on me.” Sasuke said, not sure if he was talking to himself or the boy. He released the metal wire and started towards the door, taking a quick glance at the toddler who remained unmoved. “Are you coming or not?”

The boy quickly got up to his feet and wobbled over to him, trying very hard not to stumble over his own two feet. Orochimaru kept him in a comatose state since his creation, so he was still trying to learn the ins and outs of basic human functions like walking and speaking. The boy didn’t even have a name yet.

The toddler finally joined him and when Sasuke stepped out of the door, small fingers wrapped around his own. Blue eyes stared back at him, blinking innocently.

“Park,” The boy mouthed and Sasuke realized that he'd been standing frozen. He wasn’t used to physical forms of affection and holding holds with a small child was no exception.

But letting a 2 year old run loose around Konoha was not going to be an option nor was dragging him around ala metal wire. Out of all the things Sasuke could’ve been jailed for, child abuse was not going to be one of them. He allowed the hand-holding, only because he felt like he _had_ to, not because he wanted to.

Or at least, that’s what he told himself.

 _Don’t forget about the nightmare, Uchiha._ He berated himself as they walked into the streets, finding himself gripping at the boy’s hand extra hard whenever the toddler seemed to fumble.

“What a cute little boy!” A woman cried out suddenly as she approached them.

Sasuke automatically stiffened at the sight of another female, his body too used to being ambushed and harassed. But all of her attention seemed to be focused on the little boy, who shied away from the stranger and hid behind his leg, small hands clutching at his pants.

“Oh how sweet! Is he yours?” The woman asked and Sasuke didn’t know how to respond. She must be a stranger to Konoha for not knowing the face of Sasuke Uchiha, or at least know that he was practically biologically designed to be with Naruto for the rest of his life. This was common knowledge around the village by now.

 _Technically,_ the baby was his and it would take up a lot more words to explain how the baby _wasn’t_ his than the other way around so he said, “Yes, he’s mine.” His gut twisted uncomfortably as the words left his lips, but at the same time, his hand instinctively wrapped around the boy’s shoulders, pulling him closer to his legs like trying to protect him from something. Somehow, he could sense that the kid wasn’t too fond of strangers.

“What a handsome little rabbit! What’s your name, sweetie?” The woman crouched down until they were face-to-face, a friendly smile on her face. “Don’t you wanna talk to your big sis?”

“Ah….” The baby started to say.

“Ah?”

“Ah-nn….,” He seemed to struggle with the sounds.

They both waited patiently for him to finish.

“Annoying.” He suddenly said, each syllable and vowel pronounced with clear precision as he stared at the woman dead in the eyes.

Above them, a crow cackled.

The woman’s smile instantly fell, an offended huff escaping her. “Teach your son a thing or two about manners,” she said as she stormed off before Sasuke even had the chance to respond.

When she was finally out of sight, Sasuke released the snort that he’s been holding in.

“Where did you learn that?”

The boy just gave him a smile that was way too sly for a two year old to have and for a split second, Sasuke almost - _almost_ \- felt proud. But then he remembered that he was #teamchildrenfree and composed himself quickly. This is just another mission and none of this emotional crap was going to momentarily trick him into thinking fatherhood was going to be a beautiful learning experience. Sakura and Naruto were not going to win this round.

As if sensing that Sasuke wasn’t paying attention, the boy slipped out of his grip and started to run towards the swing set in front of the Academy with a newfound excitement. Sasuke hadn’t even realized that they walked that far away. The boy climbed onto the wooden plank as Sasuke slowly strolled over to him, leaning against the tree trunk as he watched the boy play.

Nostalgia ebbed in and out of him as he watched the boy sway on the wooden swing. He looked like the splitting image of Naruto, completely similar except in his hair color and complexion. Sasuke remembers all the times Naruto would sit on this same exact swing in the Academy, how children would whisper disdainfully to themselves, the familiar and sad look in his azure eyes.

Sasuke remembered himself as a young boy, too engrossed in trauma and hatred, who always turned his back away from the most person who understood him the most.

_You had a kind of strength I was missing._

The boy grappled with the swing set, kicking his stubby legs in the air as he tried to gain momentum and failing.

_Sasuke, I knew you were always alone._

He drew closer to the boy with timid, light footsteps. There they were again, those unwavering blue eyes, looking up at him expectantly and full of hope. In that moment, the boy actually looked more like himself when Sasuke was young, with eyes that were always hungry for more of his father’s affection and his brother’s time.

For more of love.

Sasuke gave him a gentle push and the swing started to move, much to the boy’s delight. When the little boy smiled at him, full of genuine mirth and pure joy, something budded inside of Sasuke’s chest, not quite yet ready to blossom, but still present nonetheless. His lips twitched into a small, almost unnoticeable smile.

_You never abandoned me, no matter what._

 

* * *

 

“Oh Sasuke, how did the babysitting go - mmph!”

Sakura spluttered as a stack of papers hit her square in the face. By the time she peeled the documents off of her, the office door slammed shut and the Uchiha was long gone. That cold hearted shinobi probably hated spending time with the baby. She sighed, feeling discouraged that once again, another plan of hers seemed to fail. Damnit. She really hoped that spending a day with his own son would get him to see the bright side of this unthinkable situation -

Sakura paused when she flipped to the last page of the packet, blinking hard a few times to make sure that she wasn’t dreaming.

*****DOCUMENT CONTENT*****

x…. _Naruto Uzumaki_ …

x…. _Sasuke Uchiha_ ….

*******

A huge grin plastered onto her face.

Geez. That Sasuke Uchiha.


	3. I dub thee...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is such a mess and it doesn't make any sense but basically read it like you're watching a studio pierrot filler or ova and laugh off the awkwardness. in this chapter, i bring u sns apartment hunting, a post-feminist sakura, and an uncaringly kakashi. more menma interactions will happen soon! anyways, like always leave kudos/comments/conspiracy theories or message me @ xiuxsns.tumblr.com! aite. peace out.

Two bedroom, two bath? Check. Balcony? Check. Central air conditioning? Check. As far away from human civilization as possible? ….hesitantly checked.

“You know, for someone who spent 2 years living underground, you’re awfully picky.” Naruto grumbled as he and Sasuke followed the real estate agent to the apartment home.

Sasuke shrugged and said, “Orochimaru wasn’t big on interior design.”

“Well, he was pretty passionate about _your_ interior design.” Naruto grumbled again, sticking his tongue out when he caught sight of the raven’s glare. Sasuke looked all but threatening, fingers pricking with the makings of a chidori.

Naruto was just about to rip out some equally annoyed shadow clones, but a loud cough caught his attention. The real estate agent was standing by the door with a forced smile, brow twitching with impatience. Naruto released the hand sign and rubbed the back of his head with a sheepish grin as Sasuke’s flashing chidori faded away. This always happens whenever Sasuke and him go out in public. They seemed to bring about a mixture of murderous rage and sexual tension everywhere they went.

“Sorry about that. Happens a lot with the whole ying/yang and sun/moon bit, you know?” Naruto tried to explain.

“I see.” The agent replied rigidly, showing that he clearly _did not_ know. “Well, it’s a miracle this place is still on the market. It’s a spacious two bedroom, two bath home that’s not too far from the Hokage’s Office and merely a 12 minute walk to the training grounds. There’s a balcony like Uchiha-san requested and it’s perfect for small families.”

The agent led them through the entranceway with standard space for shoes and other storage needs. While his and Sasuke’s apartments automatically led to the bedroom/kitchen/living room combined space, this home actually had clear dividers between each space and a small hallway leading to the bedrooms. There was definitely more than enough space for three people to live here comfortably. Sakura _insisted_ that they get a new home for the boy’s sake.

*****A WEEK AGO*****

Sakura: Find a new home or else.

Naruto: Okay, just because my place is messy doesn’t mean it’s bad. I’ll just clean up a bit --

Sakura: You had to evacuate your own apartment two days ago because of a mold infestation.

Sasuke: There’s always my apartment --

Sakura: Oh, you mean the Uchiha Shuriken & Kunais Exhibit? Your place makes Tenten’s store look like a toy shop.

*******

So here they were apartment hunting. Inside of Naruto, even Kurama gave an appreciative whistle at the home.

“Woah,” Naruto commented as he stepped into a large living room. “This place is nice as fuck.”  

One of his shadow clones popped his head into the room. “Bro! Check out this master bedroom, it’s _humongous.”_

Another Naruto clone joined him, plopping himself on the other clone’s shoulders. “There’s even a walk-in closet!”

A third voice came from the bathroom. “Oh my god Sasuke, the toilet has so many cool buttons!”

Within seconds, the apartment was overrun with clones that were bustling back and forth, all of them speaking at the same time while inspecting the apartment. The real Naruto nervously smiled when Sasuke gave him a steely glare, a vein popping on his forehead.

“If we’re going to move to a new place, I want to make sure everyone approves.”

“You _are_ everyone, dobe.” Sasuke retorted.

All of the Naruto’s froze. A singular word echoed through their minds as if Ino was connecting them all through her mind jutsu - “ _dobe dobe dobe dobe…”_

“What did he just say?” “He just called us a dobe, didn’t he?” “After everything and you still got the guts to call us names, huh?” “Is that how you talk to the father of your child?” “I’m the _light of your life,_ god damnit!”

Sasuke rolled his eyes. “Naruto, please don’t activate -- “

“Rasengan!” All the Naruto’s cried in unison and Sasuke inwardly groaned.

Before the blue orbs of chakra could hit Sasuke, Naruto finished the jutsu and the clones vanished with a poof. He could hear the agent coughing as wisps of white smoke filled the room. Even through the haze, he could feel Sasuke’s disapproving glare on him.

“I’m sick of this jutsu.” Sasuke said, which made Naruto bristle with defiance.

“Oh really? You weren’t so sick of this jutsu last night.”

By Naruto’s calculations, he could recall a certain Sasuke Uchiha begging for release as his clones worked on different parts of his body - kisses on his neck, fingers pinching perk nipples, and another one with his mouth wrapped around the Uchiha’s --

“So should we discuss payment plans?” The agent wheezed.

It seemed Sasuke already knew what kind of images were flashing through his head, because the Uchiha was seething with irritation. If it wasn’t for the coughing real estate agent tapping at the clipboard like his life depended on it, they probably would’ve destroyed this place within a matter of minutes.

“Uh yeah,” Naruto scanned through the documents and tried to will his half chub to go away. “Sorry again. Light and darkness and all that jazz and - _wait woah what the Sage of Six Paths -_ this price is insane!”

His eyes bulged at the cost of the apartment home. He’s never seen that many ryos in his entire life. Sasuke took the clipboard from his hands and didn’t bat an eyelash at the insane amount of zeros behind the ryo. The raven turned to the agent and said, “We’ll take it.”

Naruto choked. What the fuck did Sasuke think he was doing? They couldn’t afford something like this. Sure they saved the entire world from mass destruction, but the fact still remains that they were both still technically genin and they haven’t completed a D-rank mission in _years_ and the only reason they’ve been getting by is because no one wants to charge the saviors of the freaking world 10 ryo for a bowl of ramen.

He pulled Sasuke to the side and whispered angrily, “What do you think you’re doing? We don’t have that kind of money!”

“No, _you_ don’t have that kind of money.”

…..huh?

“Sasuke, you haven’t completed a single mission since you were 12 years old.”

Sasuke sighed and Naruto was starting to get the feeling he was forgetting something important.

“I’m the sole survivor of one of the most powerful clans in all of history. Where do you think all of that money went, _darling?”_ Leave it up to Sasuke to turn a term of endearment into an insult.

“So...all this time...you’ve been rolling around in money…” Naruto trailed off and then something clicked in his head. He made a loud sound of acknowledge. “Ohhhhhh, that’s how you always got new mission clothes back then! That black jumpsuit during the exams --”

“That’s enough, Naruto.”

“It’s commendable how fashion forward you were during those days.”

“I said _enough,_ idiot.”

“Did you go to the same tailor as Rock Lee or -- ?”

The wall dividing the living room and kitchen space got smashed into pieces as Sasuke threw a chidori in his direction. If Naruto hadn’t ducked in time, he probably would’ve been fried fish cake. He gave the shocked real estate agent an apologetic grin.

“Whoopies. So, uh...about the down payment…”

And that is the story of how Naruto Uzumaki and Sasuke Uchiha found a place to call home. And plus, Sasuke preferred open living spaces anyways.

 

* * *

 

 Unlike his partner, Naruto Uzumaki was totally and completely ready for fatherhood.

Or at least, he thought he was. He honestly believed this whole “being a dad thing” was going to be a walk in the park. Literally. Naruto couldn’t wait to take the little boy to his favorite parks around Konoha, train with him, slurp ramen with him, attend SPA meetings at the Academy (Shinobi Parent Association), and basically do all the things he wanted to do with his dad as a kid.

“SPA meetings are on Tuesday, right?”

Sasuke didn’t answer his question and lazily turned his gaze towards him. Exasperation oozed from his voice.

“We are not going to SPA meetings.”

Naruto clicked his tongue at his response and slouched into the chair. They were sitting inside of Sakura’s office and waiting for their teammate to bring in the little boy. He could tell by the tightness of Sasuke’s shoulders (and the coldness of his response) that the Uchiha was feeling tense and nervous. It probably took a lot out of Sasuke to sign those adoption papers, but Naruto knew that deep down, Sasuke wasn’t the type of person to abandon a child. Especially not a child that was connected to him, scientific experiment or not.

It was _building_ a connection with Sasuke that was his main concern. It took 12 years for Naruto to be on barely-friendly terms with him, another 5 years of chasing after him, and 4 _more_ years to get into his pants. Considering Sasuke seemed only willing to do _just enough_ to avoid a Child Protective Services report, Naruto wasn’t sure how their parenting would work.

Would Naruto have to be the cool, fun dad while Sasuke was the strict, unaffectionate father figure? Did having two dads mean double the daddy issues? Naruto started to feel nervous now, sitting upright in his seat. Oh god, how were they going to explain to the little boy how two men were able to bare a child? Shouldn’t this come with an instructional scroll? What if - (Naruto turned pale) - the boy asks them about _sex_?

Naruto backtracked. Nope. Nuh-uh. This fatherhood situation was not going to be as fun as he thought.

“Hey idiot,” Sasuke nudged him lightly. “What are you freaking out about?”

“Me? Freaking out?” Naruto laughed and it sounded empty even to his own ears. “I’m not freaking out about anything. _You’re_ freaking out.”

Sasuke stared at him blankly and Naruto hated how calm and composed the Uchiha always looked, no matter how nervous or conflicted he felt. To the untrained eye (aka anyone that’s not Naruto), the tightness of his muscles could’ve easily passed as the usual Uchiha’s inability to look comfortable in any given situation. But he could tell that Sasuke was feeling just as scared.

Thank goodness they didn’t have to go all “Valley of the End” every time Naruto wanted to know Sasuke’s mood. (They destroyed three difference Konoha properties last year, one of them because Naruto couldn’t figure out if Sasuke was tired or angry. When Sasuke passed out in the middle of the fight, Naruto got his answer.)

“I’m not freaking out. A little tense, but considering our current situation, it’s understandable.” Sasuke reached out, gentle fingers gliding across Naruto’s forehead and down his cheek. Naruto calmed almost instantly at his touch. “You, however, are sweating.”

“What happened to ‘I’m going to be the best father Konoha has ever seen, believe it’?” Sasuke quoted him from last night and Naruto frowned.

Yeah, he guesses he did say that when they got drunk last night. He had to stop ending every sentence with “believe it!” when he gets drunk.

“It’s just that I realized,” Naruto swallowed, pushing the memories of last night’s drunken rampage out of his mind. “We don’t know jack shit about being parents.”

“You _just_ realized?” Sasuke asked tightly.

“In my defense, I also just realized my boyfriend is filthy rich and he never bothered to tell me.” Naruto retorted, still feeling bitter about the fact that Sasuke was a walking gold mine.

A knot appeared between Sasuke’s eyebrows.

“Are you still on that?”

“ _Oh,_ I will never be _off_ that -”

“ - you two become fathers for two seconds and the relationship is already crumbling apart?”

Naruto snapped his head towards the door at the sound of Sakura’s voice and couldn’t stop the grin on his face at the sight of the little boy in her arms. He took a glance at Sasuke who still wore his usual blank expression, but was staring so intently at the boy that Naruto was actually worried he would activate his Sharingan.

“Sorry it took so long, the nurses had a hard time saying goodbye to this fluffy pancake.” Sakura cooed and littered kisses on the boy’s face which made him giggle in a way that made Naruto’s insides melt.

The boy beamed when he saw them, wiggling his way out of Sakura’s grasp and running towards them like an excited fox.Naruto returned his grin and got down on his knees with his arms outstretched, all of his doubts and fears pushed to the side for this touching occasion between long-lost father and son -

The little boy leaped past him and beelined straight towards Sasuke.

Naruto stayed frozen with his arms outstretched, rigidly turning his head towards Sasuke and the little boy in robotic movements. The little boy stared at Sasuke with eyes wide in admiration and Naruto felt an all too familiar blow to his self-esteem. By now, he should be used to being blown off in favor of Sasuke Uchiha, but it still hurt just as much as when he was 7, and it will continue to hurt even when they’re both 70. Sakura gave him a sympathetic pat on the back.

“What can I say? Your son knows where the money is.”

Naruto’s arms fell lifelessly by his side. “Even you knew, Sakura-chan?”

“Yeah and if it weren’t for you, the Uchiha fortune would’ve been mine.” Sakura sighed dreamily. “Just imagine, eating strawberry daifuku in the Uchiha garden, not a care in the world…”

“Sakura,” Sasuke said her name more as a warning than a greeting. “Are we done here?”

“As much as I would love for the man who rejected me and the best friend he left me for to get the hell out of my hospital,” Sakura plopped a huge pile of papers onto her desk and settled herself into a seat. She smiled politely at her two former teammates, fellow sannin, and heartless backstabbers. “We still have a lot to discuss being new parents and all.”

“I thought the adoption papers were handled.” Sasuke commented, eyeing the pile with precaution.

“Well, in order for the adoption papers to be effective, Konoha either has to recognize your child as a village citizen or approve the child if they are born outside of the village. Here is the application for citizenship,” Sakura took a packet from the pile and slammed it down. “This one is to determine the suitability to adopt a child from another country -” _SLAM. “ -_ this is the custody declaration - “ _SLAM._

“Um, Sakura-chan?” Naruto said as nicely as he possibly could, but the force of her slamming caused a very noticeable crack to appear through the desk. Their chairs shook with every document she banged down.

“...and this one is the Ninja Registration application - ” _SLAM._ “ - which you don’t have to do until he enrolls in the Academy, but I would recommend you do this one soon, because it takes a while to process, _and,_ ” She daintily placed one last piece of paper in front of them. “The birth certificate. As in, your child’s name.”

“Sakura…,” Naruto treaded lightly. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes, why do you ask?” She questioned obliviously.

Her desk broke in half with a loud crack. Sasuke lifted the innocent toddler onto his lap before the debris could hit him. The two fathers shared a worried glance. It was clear that everything was not okay.

“Things may have been a bit rough lately.” Sakura admitted, swiping wood chips from her doctor’s coat.

Naruto grasped her hands, because no matter what happened, they were still Team 7. Not just doctor and patient or past comrades, but friends. He tried to comfort her in the only way he knew how.

“You want to go to Ichirakus?”

 

* * *

 

“...and the baby started crying so she started crying and then her husband started crying so I started crying!”

Sakura wailed, hiccuping from her own sobs as tears dripped into her ramen. Naruto pushed her drink a bit further away from her. He thought having a few drinks would lighten the mood, not unleash years worth of pent up frustration and woes. Sasuke was sitting on the other side of him with the toddler wedged between them. The toddler sloppily ate the noodles, doing the best 2 year olds can do, which meant that the boy was making a mess. Speaking of messes…

“People are always saying to me, ‘Oh Sakura, you’re the strongest kunoichi alive’ or ‘Oh Haruno-san, you revolutionized the shinobi medical world,’ or ‘This program for war orphaned children saved my life,’ but what’s the point of it all when all you have to come home to is an empty bottle of lube and smutty manga?”

Sakura sniffled and wiped mucus from her nose. Naruto shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Things were getting a little too personal.

“And to make matters worse, the love of my life and my best friend are in love with each other, which is fine, I’m so happy for you two, but now,” Sakura pointed an accusatory finger at the little boy. “You guys even have a kid together? You didn’t even have to _try!_ I actually have to get pregnant! Being a man is so easy!”

Naruto gave Sasuke a look which hopefully showed how much assistance he needed to calm a hysterical girl down. Especially a girl who had full potential to punch his brains out at any given moment. Sasuke wiped the excess soup dribbling from the toddler’s chin and mouthed, “Good luck.”

Of course Sasuke wouldn’t know anything about how to comfort people. Typical.

“Don’t think like that, Sakura-chan. You’re a strong, independent woman.” Naruto hesitantly patted her back, afraid for his life. “You don’t need a man to be happy. Girl power, amirite?”

“I don’t want to hear that from someone who _stole_ my man.”

“You had nothing for Naruto to steal, Sakura.” Sasuke pitched in in the most unhelpful manner possible.

“Whatever, Uchiha. I was your next best choice.”

Sakura reached for her drink and chugged it down in one large gulp, while Sasuke rolled his eyes. Naruto allowed himself a light chuckle at their interaction, because even though the two of them bickered a lot more, he actually believed that their relationship changed for the better. They could finally be themselves around each other. Their team felt so much more….

The little boy tried his best to get the slippery noodles with his fork, but failed miserably. He resorted to using his hands to grab a fistful of ramen and stuffed them inside his mouth. How freaking adorable. He heard Sakura’s adoring giggle, saw the small huff of laughter escape from Sasuke, and felt himself chuckling at the boy’s antics.

They felt so much more like a family.

“By the way,” Sakura draped herself over his shoulders, reeking of alcohol. “What are you going to name the kid?”

Naruto grinned excitedly, because he’s been thinking about names ever since he first laid eyes on the boy and after much thought and careful consideration, factoring in that he fully expected his son to be the next greatest shinobi (after himself, of course) the world has ever seen, he said with prideful valor:

“Boruto!” “Takahiro.”

Naruto turned and was surprised to see Sasuke’s equally disgusted look.

“You want to name our son _Boruto_?” Sasuke said the name like it was bile in his throat.

“And you want to name our son after the team you made to _destroy Konoha?”_

He knew that Team Taka was chill now and one of the few people on this planet that Sasuke would consider friends, but Naruto wasn’t going to let his one and only son be named after a unit that

  1. Tried to murder his friend, Killer Bee.
  2. Tried to murder The Five Kage.
  3. Tried to destroy his home.
  4. Had a dude like Sugietsu in it.



“It’s a hell of a lot better than naming him after hardware.” Sasuke snapped back.

Behind him, Naruto heard Sakura mutter, “Here we go, Sakura. Third wheel like always.” But when he and Sasuke got into their bickering mood, everyone else gets tuned out. Sorry Sakura, it’s not personal. It’s just love. He opened his mouth to argue back, but then a piping hot bowl of fresh ramen appeared in front of him and magically cleared all of his problems away.

“Eat up! I made this one especially good today to congratulate you two on the kid.” Teuchi said with a bark of laughter.

Naruto stared at his bowl that practically sparkled with flavor. The ramen looked so beautiful that he almost choked up, but he kept his ground, because the first time he cried in front of his son was not going to be over ramen. No, he had more noble crying planned for that occasion. He was just about to dig into his delicious meal (Sakura’s sobbing and Sasuke’s awful name suggestion pushed aside), when he noticed a pile of brown, rectangular strips sitting on the side of his bowl.

What the fuck was that doing there?

“Ugh menma.” Naruto almost gagged when he picked them up and flicked them into Sasuke’s bowl.

Sasuke protested, “Stop giving me your leftover menma, just eat it.” He put it back into his bowl.

“No, you should know that I hate menma by now.” Naruto stubbornly tried to place the topping back on Sasuke’s noodles, but the Uchiha blocked his chopsticks with his own.

Both of their chopsticks were at a standoff with each other like kunais during a battle. The menma perched precariously between their sticks, right above where the little boy was. Blue eyes met obsidian ones in a tense deadlock, both opponents unrelenting. He could feel Sasuke’s chakra begin to stir, unconsciously going into a battle mentality. His senses heightened. Behind him, Sakura coughed loudly.

“Uh guys,” Sakura said and pointed to the bundle of cuteness sitting between them, “May I remind you that your child is right there and also, Kakashi said he wasn’t going to pay for any more of your lover's quarrels.”

They both looked at their son who was staring at the menma dangling above him with sparkling, curious eyes and a sense of dread pooled in Naruto’s stomach. Oh no. He knew that look at too well. That was the same look he had when he saw Ichiraku’s for the first time. That was the same look he had when he peeled the plastic off of cup ramen. No, this can’t be happening, not to _his son -_

“Maybe Menma would be a good name for him. It’s nice to be named after the thing you like, right?” Teuchi recommended.

“We are not naming our kid Menma.” Naruto protested.

Sasuke nodded, finally agreeing with him. “I agree, we already have one ramen-related name in the family. At this rate, we’ll sound like a menu.”  

“I’m not sure if you two have a say in this.” Sakura mumbled, swirling her drink around. “I noticed something interesting when you two idiots were arguing. Watch this.” She cleared her throat and exclaimed cheerfully, “Menma!”

Like a dog, the boy snapped his head up towards her, an attentive look on his face.

Naruto and Sasuke stared at each other in disbelief. No way. Nope. Nu-uh.

“Menma.”

The boy snapped his head towards Naruto.

“Menma?”

The boy snapped his head towards Sasuke.

Oh. My. Kaguya. Sasuke’s chopsticks fell noisily on the counter. Naruto buried his face in his hands.

“So it’s decided!” Sakura whipped out a birth certificate (when did she get that?) and clicked a pen open. She scribbled the name onto the official document. “From here on out, I dub thee Menma!”

With a mouthful of bamboo shoots, Menma laughed. His two fathers internally cried.

Ayame joined their conversation and asked, not knowing what damage she was going to do to Konoha with her next few words, “So is it going to be Menma Uzumaki or Uchiha?”

A long silence overcame the restaurant.

Naruto stiffened. Sasuke’s eyes flashed red.

*****LOCAL NEWS WARNING*****

WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM TO ALERT KONOHA CITIZENS TO KEEP CLEAR OF THE OLD TOWN DISTRICT. SEVERE DAMAGES OCCURRED DUE TO A SHINOBI RELATED BRAWL AT ICHIRAKU’S RAMEN; REASON FOR FIGHT IS AS QUOTED, “YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE SUN/MOON AND YING/YANG THING. YOU FEEL?” THE SIXTH HOKAGE APOLOGIES FOR THE INCONVENIENCE AND PROMISES TO REDUCE SHINOBI VIOLENCE WITHIN RESIDENTIAL AREAS. THANK YOU.

*******

Kakashi turned off the TV.

Sasuke Uchiha and Naruto Uzumaki were currently kneeling down in the Hokage Office, heads bowed in shame. Sakura held Menma in her arms, who was starting to fall asleep, eyelids fluttering open and close. 

“So here’s how it’s going to go,” Kakashi said, voice tired and with a slight edge. He specifically told them not to destroy anymore properties and to fight like a _normal_ couple. “I don’t want the entire village destroyed again because of this, so we’re going to name the child…”

Naruto mumbled something under his breath with a frown and Kakashi leaned across the desk, unable to catch what the ninja said.

“What was that, Naruto?”

Naruto’s expression soured even further and he said again, more loudly, “Menma!” which made Sasuke bow his head further.

...okay. Kakashi wasn’t going to ask questions. He wasn’t going to judge. That’s not his job. He cleared his throat.

“We’re going to name the child Menma and his last name will be the initial U.” Kakashi held his hands up when he saw the two ninjas open their mouths in protest. “This can be changed on a later date if you two ever come to a decision, but I can’t have _another_ part of Konoha destroyed. Got that?”

Kakashi stared at the baby boy in Sakura’s arms, who was now out like a light. He said more gently this time, “That boy has the Uchiha and Uzumaki lineage in his blood. Those two clans are known for their powerful love and it’s your job to make that love grow. We wouldn’t want Menma to be overcome with hatred, now would we?”

Sasuke and Naruto shook their head fervently. No, they would not want that at all.

“So are we good on this agreement?”

The fathers nodded wordlessly. Kakashi sighed.

“Then go home and for god’s sake, try not to destroy anything on your way there.”

The duo got up from their kneeling position and stalked out the office; the click of the door closing echoed through the room. Sakura stared at him blankly and asked, “So how long before they realize?”

Kakashi thought about it. “Probably in 3...2...1.”

The door slammed open and Kakashi swiftly caught the flower vase that almost toppled over from the force. Naruto and Sasuke stood in the doorway, eyes wide with shock.

“We, um, we kind of,” Naruto stuttered and beside him, Sasuke rested his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath. Sasuke finished the sentence, “We forgot Menma.”

They fumbled about as Naruto took the sleeping child from Sakura and then mumbled some awkward goodbye’s before leaving the office again. When they were alone, Sakura gave him a look that was full of doubt.

“Kakashi, are they going to be okay?”

“Honestly Sakura,” Kakashi put his feet up on the desk and made himself comfortable. “I have no idea.”


	4. The Parent Trap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all...this chapter took so long because it wasnt part of my original outline. i just wanted to give you short drabbles of the sns fambam and compiled it all into a really fragmented random chapter. the next chapter will start when menma is 4 and i will proceed to timeskip around a little since there's so much i want to happen!!!!! ANYWAYS, this is very random, crack-filled, short smut scene-filled, unnecessary (BUT NECESSARY) fluffed chapter. i needed to write fatherly! naruto after the ova. tbh. ENJOY. leave me kudos/comments/an analytical essay on moby dick as always! 
> 
> alsoooooo if u have any other sns fambam scenes you want written then plz leave me a message on my tumblr @ xiuxsns b/c im itching to write more but i wanna hear more from y'all im a slut for gay shinobi ninjas and their biological experiment children

“He’s so damned cute.”

“Stop cursing in front of the baby. And lower your voice, you’re going to wake him up.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Sorry, it’s just a bad habit and _oh my fucking god_ look at him scrunch up his nose!”

“Naruto, the cursing _.”_

“What? Oh! Right, my bad, shit, I mean _fuck_ this is so hard.”

“Stop talking, usurakontachi.”

“Hey, if I have to stop cussing, you have to stop calling me names.”

“You call me a bastard in front of Menma all the time, for fuck’s sake _damnit_ this shit’s fucking hard.”

“That’s what I’ve been saying!”

Two sighs.

“He is pretty damned cute.”

“Told you.”

 

* * *

 

The first week of being parents was not nearly as horrific as Naruto and Sasuke thought it was going to be. Menma slept at the times he was supposed too, rarely ever fussed, and except for a small tendency to sprint towards dangerous shinobi weapons, Menma was like the perfect biological experiment every gay shinobi ever dreamed of.

But the second week? Not so much.

It was a beautiful Sunday morning. Naruto sipped his milk while Sasuke made his signature onigiri. The sun shined in through the balcony. Cool forest air came in gentle bursts through the windows.

And Menma was screaming his lungs out.

“Menma, finish your food.” Sasuke berated.  

“I don’ wanna!” Menma wailed.

Naruto, being a pacifist down to the core, put on his best smile and tried to soothe the sobbing toddler, but his efforts just made Menma cry louder.

“Sasuke? A little help before Kurama comes out to play?” Naruto pleaded, not enjoying the swears that Kurama growled from inside of him.

Sasuke, being unaffectionate and overall unhelping, would’ve stepped in already if he knew what to do. But Naruto’s spoon theatrics proved futile and not even Sasuke’s kunais seemed to subdue him. (Don’t tell Sakura they let Menma play with kunais. In their defense, Menma is pretty good at handling them.) Sasuke sighed; there seemed to be no other options.

“Naruto, I think it’s time we stopped playing the good guys.”

Naruto stopped his cooing to send Sasuke a pointed look. “Since when did you ever play the good guy?”

Sasuke bit back some nasty remarks for Menma’s sake. “We’ve been appeasing him for too long. We need to be stricter with Menma before this becomes routine.”

“For starters, let’s not talk about our son like he’s a mobster and we’re mafia bosses. Second, Menma’s still only a baby. Babies cry, Sasuke. We just need to figure out how to calm him down.”

“He’s throwing a temper tantrum. There’s no use in calming him down.”

Naruto ignored him and went back to trying to feed the hysterical toddler.

“Just a few more bites and we’ll take you to the park, alright?” Naruto cooed, waving a spoon in front of him.

Menma shook his head defiantly, hiccuping from his crying. He recoiled at the sight of the spoon and smacked the utensil right out of Naruto’s hands, shouting, “I DON’ WANNA!”

The spoon clattered to the floor, a tense silence following soon after. Sasuke watched with fascination as Naruto slowly lost his “bright lights and sparkles” demeanor. A well-timed huddle of clouds swept over the sun, casting an eerie shadow across the room. The cool wind felt strangely chilly. Naruto leaned back against his chair, face halfway covered by the shadows, and crossed his hands.

“I understand,” Naruto stared at their son with a tightened expression. “You found paradise in Konoha, you had a good time at the hospital, you made good friends.”

Sasuke raised his brows at Naruto’s suddenly weird accent. For some reason, Sasuke felt like he should kiss Naruto’s hands out of respect. And...was that a _cat_? Where did the cat even come from and why was Naruto petting it?

“But, now you come to me, and you say: “I don’ wanna.” But you don’t ask with respect. You don’t offer friendship. You don’t even think to call me Father. Instead, you come into my house, on the day of Ichiraku’s anniversary, and you tell me you don’t want my food.”

Menma stopped his crying, his eyes wide with a mixture of fear and reverence. Whatever Naruto was doing, it was working.

“So tell me,” Naruto picked up the spoon and held it in front of Menma. “Are you going to be a good boy and eat your food? Or should I call Papa over there with the scary red eyes?”

Menma feebly whimpered at the threat and gulped down the rest of his food with a haste that Sasuke’s never seen before. Almost immediately, the clouds passed over and the apartment was bright and peaceful again. Naruto beamed and ruffled Menma’s hair saying, “That’s my boy!”

Sasuke opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water. He didn’t even know how to process the scene that just unfolded before him.

“Alright Vito Uzumaki, what happened to _not_ talking to our son like mafia bosses?”

Naruto blinked. “I was talking to him like a mafia boss?”

The cat leaped out of Naruto’s lap and disappeared off into the balcony.

“Nevermind.”

 

* * *

 

All was quiet in the Village of Hidden Leaves.

Except for one particular household.

“WAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” A cry reverberated through the walls.

“Sasuke,” Naruto grumbled, pulling a pillow over his head. “Night shifts are yours.”

Sasuke didn’t stir, but his voice was heavy with fatigue. He said irritably, “Since when did we decide that?”

“It was decided the moment you were born. Now go off, Child Prophecy of the Moon. Your son awaits.”

“This is a shitty deal and you know it.” Sasuke muttered to Naruto or Hagoromo or anyone who was responsible for the moon tattooed on his palm.

Menma screeched once more and Sasuke groaned, taking it as his signal to finally get up. As the weeks passed, parenthood was proving to be a much more difficult task than they imagined. Menma became more picky, more vocal, and much more of a headache. Sakura said something about “Menma normalizing” and “growing out of his newborn puppy phase,” but all Sasuke wanted to know was how to make a baby stop crying in the middle of the night. Sakura didn’t have an answer for that one.

Sasuke opened the door and was greeted by a wailing Menma, who silenced after seeing one of his fathers. Menma wiped the tears away from his face and reached his arms out from the crib. Whatever anger Sasuke had dissipated at the sight of Menma, as it usually does, and he groaned inwardly. He was tired of whiskered cheek boys being his soft spot.

“Do you have any idea what time it is?” Sasuke grunted, lifting Menma into his arms.

Menma sniffled in response, wrapping his arms around Sasuke’s neck and resting his head against his dad’s shoulder. Menma’s tears wet his shirt as the child’s crying slowed into small hiccups. Sasuke paced back and forth across the room, wondering how he ended up in this position, in the middle of the night, holding his son.

Wondering why it felt so natural.

“You do realize how crazy all of this is, right?” Sasuke softly patted the small boy on the back.

Menma lifted his head up and stared at him with questioning eyes, unaware of his own law-defying existence. Sasuke, just barely woken up and disgustingly vulnerable, succumbed to the cuteness and pecked Menma’s nose with a kiss.

Menma giggled. “Papa!”

The entire world seemed to slow as he stared at Menma with an expression he hoped no one else would ever have the privilege to see. Sasuke’s chest swelled with an untold emotion at the word.

“Did you just call me Papa?”

“Sasuke,” The door creaked open and Naruto trudged inside, eyes halfway open. “I figured it took both the sun and the moon to seal Kaguya, so maybe it’ll take two of us to seal that baby’s mouth up.”

“Papa!” Menma exclaimed, arms reaching for him.

“Yeah, yeah it’s your brand-new daddy, now _why wont you just go to sleep -”_ Naruto paused and then straightened with wide eyes that soon became overflowing with fountains of touched, fatherly tears.

“You just called me Papa!” Naruto lifted Menma and threw him up in the air, catching him with a twirl. Naruto beamed at Sasuke with sparkling eyes that unpleasantly reminded him of Rock Lee and his overbearing sensei. “Menma knows we’re his dad’s now, yes! Actual real life dads!”

Sasuke’s lips twitched into a smile for a second, before falling back into his usual aloof expression. “That’s fantastic and all,” He motioned towards the time. “But it’s the middle of the night and we go back on shinobi duty tomorrow.”

Naruto pouted at him, saying with a slight accusation, “Aren’t you the least bit happy that our son finally acknowledges that we’re his parents?”

“I’m leaping for joy,” Sasuke replied drily. “But let’s put Menma back to bed.”

Naruto glared at him, or at least, Naruto tried to glare at him. Most of Naruto’s glares involved a lot of squinting and ugly face scrunching, than actual glaring _._ But still, he got the message across. He refused to believe that Sasuke wasn’t as affected by this as he was. Naruto stepped close to Sasuke, until Menma was squeezed between them.

“Menma, say Papa.” Naruto commanded and on cue, Menma exclaimed, “Papa!”

Sasuke’s heart completed an entire gymnastics routine; the combined imagery of Menma smiling at him and being called “Papa” almost broke his cool mask.

“Papa!”

“It’s not going to work.” ( _doki doki)_  

“Papaaaa!”

“I understand that he’s cute, but I want to go to bed.” _(doki doki doki doki)_

“Papa dattebayo!”

“You’re not the one that’s supposed to be saying it, Naruto!” ( _dokidokidokidokidokidoki)_

Naruto moved Menma a couple inches down until Sasuke was face to face with a disgruntled blonde.

“Peh,” Naruto huffed. “Your insides are made of stone.”  

“They will be if we don’t go to bed soon.” Sasuke grabbed Menma from Naruto’s arms and placed back in his crib. He leaned towards Menma and said gently, “Let’s go to sleep now, alright?”

Menma reached out then, his fingers grazing against Sasuke’s cheeks. Menma’s lower lip jutted out as his eyes shone with the kind of baby-like sadness that would make any moral person’s heart break.

“Papa.” Menma cried softly, a silent plea for him to stay.

Sasuke Uchiha, just barely woken up and disgustedly vulnerable, just felt whatever was left of his resolve break into a million tiny Menma-filled pieces.

“Menma’s sleeping with us tonight.” Sasuke announced suddenly.

“I knew it.” Naruto said fondly. “Menma is finally melting that icy heart.”

 

* * *

 

“Make sure he eats his afternoon snack or else he gets fussy.”

“Don’t let him eat too much menma either or he won’t eat the rest of his meal.”

“If he starts crying, then just take him to the park near the Academy.”

“ _Do not_ let him near any ninja weapons. Seriously. You will get hurt. Not Menma, but _you.”_

“Naruto almost lost another arm.”

“And there aren’t anymore Uchiha eyes for Sasuke left to take.”

Iruka Umino glanced back and forth between the two fathers, a polite smile plastered on his face as he nodded robotically. Given that Iruka spent most of his life taking care of children, the two of them should have a little more faith in their former sensei. Truth be told, he was apprehensive about Naruto becoming a father so early in his life, especially with Sasuke, who has caused nothing but pain for his most beloved student.

Menma rested in Naruto’s arms, staring at Iruka with a timid expression. His blue eyes and whiskered cheeks matched Naruto’s perfectly. Menma buried his face into Naruto’s shoulder when he realized Iruka was staring and Sasuke’s face was full of parental concern.

Iruka smiled at them. He was going to give them the benefit of the doubt, as always.

“I got it,” Iruka tore Menma away from Naruto’s unwilling arms. If he didn’t get the two of them out of the daycare, then they might never leave. “He’ll eat his snacks, make new friends, and have a really fun time. Aren’t you, Menma?”

Menma didn’t respond and started to squirm in Iruka’s hold. He seemed to sense that his dads were going to leave him with a stranger that had a scary cut across his face. His voice quivered when he asked softly, “Papa?”

Both Naruto and Sasuke looked like they got punched in the gut.

Sasuke composed himself first and said sharply, “We have to go to work now, Menma. Stay here with Iruka until we pick you up.”

“Y-Yeah, Iruka-sensei is a super nice guy! Just like an old grandpa!” Naruto forced a grin, laughing brokenly.

Tears formed in Menma’s eyes. Oh no, the waterworks of doom were coming. Menma stuck out his lower lip, made his eyes super wide, and with the most adorable expression he could muster, he whimpered, “Papa, don’t go….”

Naruto and Sasuke collapsed onto their knees. They weren’t going to make it. Menma was too powerful.

Iruka knew he had to end this quickly.

“Alright Menma,” Iruka came to the rescue. “Let’s say bye-bye to your papas.”

Menma was crying by now, arms desperately reaching for his dads. Iruka signalled for the two of them to leave, before they all got trapped into the never ending cycle of saying goodbye. Clingy parents with their equally clingy kids were the worst.

“Papaaaa!!” Menma screamed when he saw Naruto and Sasuke heading towards the door. “Don’t go!!”

“Don’t turn back, Naruto.” Iruka warned, struggling to keep Menma in his grip. For a toddler, he was surprisingly strong. “Whatever you do, don’t turn back!”

Naruto was only able to make it two steps out the door before he turned back.

Kakashi ended up giving them the day off.

 

* * *

  

“You remember that time we both blew each other’s arms off and passed out for three days?”

“Yes.”

“Well, this is worse than that.”

Naruto fell back on the mattress face first. The bed dipped and Sasuke soon followed after. After a long day of work, they had to pick up Menma from the daycare, then feed him, then bathe him, then play with him, then put him to sleep. They were exhausted. Who knew taking care of a child could be so _soul sucking?_ Naruto felt like a crazy person, because one second all he wanted to do was dump Menma’s off at Iruka’s for an entire week and the next, he felt like he couldn’t breathe if Menma wasn’t by his side.

“How can somebody drive you so crazy and still be the best part of your life?” Sasuke murmured.

Naruto turned towards Sasuke. “I’m pretty experienced in that field.”

Sasuke peered at Naruto through tired, hazy eyes and snorted, a small huff through his nose. Naruto ran his fingers through Sasuke’s hair, wondering when was the last time they’ve been able to spend time together like this since Menma appeared in their life. Naruto slid his hand down from the column of Sasuke’s neck, down to his collarbones, reaching underneath his shirt to feel the taut muscle underneath.

“You feel really good.” Naruto mumbled, surprised that he even let himself forget how electrifying Sasuke’s body felt. His body tingled with every touch and he scooted closer, until their lips were just close enough for a kiss. “Menma’s asleep, right?”

“Knocked out.” Sasuke sucked in a breath as Naruto’s hands worked around his body, touching in all of his sensitive places. He pulled Naruto in for a deep kiss, a quiet moan escaping him because Naruto wasn’t the only one who forgotten how _good_ their bodies were together.

“Fuck I missed that sound,” Naruto whispered hotly when they parted, lips venturing down to Sasuke’s neck, sucking on a particular sweet spot that he knew would make Sasuke quiver.

“What else did you miss?” Sasuke’s voice came out in breathless pants, hands snaking across Naruto’s chest and back, shivering in pleasure and anticipation. His pants tightened uncomfortably at the feel of Naruto’s sculpted body underneath his touch, craving skin to skin contact.

“So many things,” Naruto smirked, a dark and dangerously seductive curl of his lips that almost made Sasuke cream his pants.

“I missed playing with your body,” He lifted Sasuke’s shirt and lazily ran his tongue along perk nipples, trailing sloppy kisses down his abdomen.

“I miss that look on your face when I tease you,” Naruto palmed Sasuke’s erection through his pants and Sasuke’s hips bucked with a surprised gasp.

“I miss making you cum over and over again until you scream my name,” Naruto’s voice was so hot and sexy that Sasuke almost moaned just from the sound of it. Naruto peeled off Sasuke’s pants, just enough to free his erection.

“I especially miss the sounds you make when I do this.”

Sasuke fisted the bed sheets, hips bucking as Naruto wrapped his mouth around Sasuke’s dripping erection. He took Sasuke deeper, tongue flicking across the tip, holding Sasuke’s hips down as he took more of Sasuke into his mouth. His own erection strained against his pants at the delicious sounds Sasuke let out.

“Naruto stop I’m gonna - _ah!_ ” Sasuke choked on a moan when Naruto proceeded to swallow him whole, the tip of his cock hitting against the back of Naruto’s throat.

Sasuke’s hips worked against Naruto’s grip as he threw his head back, lost in pleasure. It’s been too long since they’ve done this and it’s downright shameful how quickly he was going to cum, but Naruto’s mouth felt _so good_ and all he wanted to do was thrust into his mouth until he came, but the rough grip pushing his hips down against the bed drove him mad.

He glanced down at Naruto and immediately regretted it, because the sight of Naruto sloppily lapping and sucking around his hard cock was enough to push Sasuke over the edge. His back arched when he came, an outdrawn moan tore through his lips as he orgasmed.

Naruto swallowed the load and wiped his lips, a smug expression on his face. He crawled over Sasuke, sliding his body across Sasuke’s with a playful glint in his eye.

“But you wanna know what I miss the most?”

Naruto smiled seductively.

“Fucking you until -”

“PAPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!”

Naruto and Sasuke froze.

And then they fucking panicked.

“Oh shit shit shit shit”

“Lock the door LOCK THE DOOR”

Their door cracked open and before Naruto could react, he heard Sasuke shout, “SHARINGAN!”

A nine-tailed fox stuffed animal fell to the floor as Menma stood in the doorway, his eyes glazed over. Naruto snapped his head towards Sasuke. Did Sasuke just do what Naruto thought he did?!

“DID YOU JUST PUT OUR KID UNDER A GENJUTSU?!”

“WHAT WAS THE OTHER OPTION? HAVE MENMA SEE US WITH OUR DICKS OUT?”

“....TOUCHE.”

When Menma awoke the next morning, his little toddler brain wondered why his two papas seemed extra nice to him. But as a toddler, you take what’s given to you, and if his dads were going to let him have menma for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, then he going to eat all the menma that he could get.

 

* * *

 

“And after playtime, Iruka-sensei told us all a story about ninjas and about “wills” and “fires” and then and then,” Menma rambled at the dinner table, waving his spoon in the air as he talked. “Sensei said that the two strongest shinobi in the world were in Konoha!”

“Sensei said that?” Naruto asked, humoring him.

“Yup! Dad, do you know who the two shinobis are?” Menma asked excitedly.

Naruto and Sasuke shared knowing looks. Nearly a year has passed since Menma became theirs and Menma’s development in speaking drastically improved. They were able to establish Naruto as “Dad” and Sasuke as “Papa” and actually hold conversations with him, like an actual normal family. Menma also grew significantly, only needing a baby booster seat at the table.

“We do actually. You met them before, Menma.” Sasuke said, a twinkle in his eyes.

Menma gasped, nearly leaping out of his seat as he spluttered, “Really? Really? Where? When? Who? Are they suuupppeeer cool?”

“Relax kid,” Naruto laughed, pulling Menma pack into his seat and ruffling a tuff of black hair that was resembling Sasuke’s as it grew out. “You see them everyday.”

“Every...day?” Menma scrunched up his brows, deep in thought. “Iruka-sensei and Auntie Sakura?”

“Nope.”

“Hokage-sama?”

“Think harder.”

“...the two uncles that guards the gate!”

“What? No! Menma, the two strongest shinobi in the world is us!” Naruto yelled, pointing between him and Sasuke. “Your dad and your papa.”

Menma’s eyes slowly widened, staring at his dads as if he was seeing them in a new light. “My dad and papa…?”

“That’s right!” Naruto grinned, his ego big enough to fill the entire room.

Menma stayed silent for a few moments, before breaking out into a smile himself. “Dad you’re lying!” Menma giggled as if Naruto just pulled the worst dad joke of the year. “My dad and papa are just my dad and papa!”

The two dads turned into stone at the unintended insult.

“Menma…” Naruto struggled to say, taking on a fake nice tone. “We’re not lying. Your papa and I really are the strongest shinobi in the village.”

Menma didn’t flinch. “But Auntie Sakura can punch a hole in the ground.”

“Yeah, but I can make over a thousand clones.”

“Oh.”

“ _Oh?!_ This is a forbidden technique, you know!”

“Naruto, please don’t fight at the dinner table.”

“Oi, our own kid doesn’t believe we’re the strongest ninjas alive.”

Sasuke met Menma’s gaze and Menma asked him, “Papa, are you really the strongest shinobi in the world?”

Sasuke glanced at Naruto and then back at Menma. Their similarities were almost uncanny.

“No, I’m not.”

“Sasuke!”

“Your dad is the strongest shinobi in the world.”

Naruto stopped at that, words trapped in his throat as he regarded Sasuke with a shocked expression. Naruto’s eyes shimmered with something that made Sasuke’s chest hurt, so he averted his gaze.

Menma looked between his two dads and must’ve gotten the feeling they were telling the truth, because he said in awe, “Really? My papa and dad really are the strongest?”

“Yes,” Sasuke said reassuringly. “Your dad worked really hard to become the strongest shinobi in the village and before I knew it, your dad surpassed me too.”

“Wow,” Menma stared at them excitedly. “Will I be strong too?”

Naruto chuckled. “If you work hard, cherish your friends, and never give up...then you will be.”

Menma seemed to really like that answer, because his cheeks grew red and a huge smile broke across his face. Naruto turned to Sasuke with a slight smile.

“You sentimental bastard.”

“Language...utsurakontachi.”


	5. Of Baby Bottles and Birthdays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY. MOTHER. MY GOD. THIS IS SO LATE. BEYOND LATE. SO LATE. if y'all haven't heard, i'm currently working two jobs which filled up my time so im sorry for the long wait when i promised biweekly updates! i only have 2 more weeks of summer left before i become EVEN MORE busy with school + 2 jobs, so bear with me darlings. anyways, leave me kudos/comments and let me know if you got any headcanons y'all want me to write. (as always, xiuxsns.tumblr.com for messaging and headcanon purposes thanks) 
> 
> ps. im going to fall apart when i watch the new episodes i swear i will

“Are you going to throw him a birthday party?”

Sasuke and Naruto both gave Sakura the same blank, semi-confused look. She sighed heavily and inwardly berated herself for asking such a stupid question. Between being an Avenger and wanting to be Hokage, the pair didn’t have time for normal human practices such as “birthdays” and “parties” and “annual doctor checkups.” How two people survived based on pure luck is a medical question that will plague Sakura for the rest of her career.

“You know, invite a bunch of friends over? Decorations? Candles? Cake?”

Sasuke didn’t flinch. Naruto scratched his nose.

“Oh _c’mon_ guys! Menma’s turning 4 in a couple of days. Wouldn’t it be nice to get everyone together and celebrate your precious miracle son’s birthday?” Sakura pushed and the two ninjas just stared at her, wholly unimpressed.

“We bought cake last year.” Naruto offered as consolation and Sasuke nodded, adding, “Candles were present.”

Sakura rolled her eyes. “My point is that Menma should have a birthday party. I think it’ll be good for him to do...normal kid things.”

Sasuke raised at a brow at her last few words. “Normal kid things?”

“Yes Sasuke, _normal kid_ things.” Sakura replied with a roll of her eyes, which earned her a sharp scowl.

“We do normal kid things for Menma all the time.” Sasuke argued and Naruto chimed in, “Yeah! We take Menma to the park.”

“Uh-huh, where you and your five shadow clones play with him.” Sakura retorted.

“I take him training sometimes.”

“Oh, yes, that’s right! Sorry Sasuke-kun, how could I forget that you occasionally take your 4 year old son to play with highly dangerous shinobi weapons?”

When Sakura was met with mildly annoyed looks from both her former Team 7 comrades, she softened her surly, sarcastic act and gave the two of them a light smile.  

“You guys are doing a great job with Menma and I’m really glad, but I just think Menma’s a tad bit...attached?” Sakura said carefully. “It’s fine now that most of our missions are local with the city expansion and all, but what’s going to happen when the village sends you on longer missions? Missions that you might not come back from?”

The atmosphere in the room chilled at the thought, a sobering and solemn moment which they were all too familiar with. It’s not that Sasuke or Naruto forgot about that possibility, it’s just thinking about not being able to come home to Menma was too...hard. The sharp alarms of Sakura’s beeper broke the silence and the medic-nin cursed under her breath.

“I’m just saying, maybe it’ll be good for Menma to know that family exists even outside of his two dads.” Sakura said as a closing statement, taking her leave from their usual tea shop. “Anyways, let me know what you decide. You know where to find me.”

Sakura disappeared in a poof, small wisps of white smoke dispersing around the table. Her last words floated between them and wrapped around their throats, making it difficult for either of them to speak. Naruto Uzumaki, the next in line to become Konoha’s Seventh Hokage and the dangers that come with it. Sasuke Uchiha, the pardoned avenger who vowed to dedicate his life to protect what so many of his loved ones, lost and alive, call home.

Two bandaged hands touched for a moment underneath the table, their eyes wandering unsurely before finally finding solace in each other. Crinkles in the corners of his eyes. An overdone, confident grin. Lips slightly twisted into a half-smile.

“You get the decorations and I spread the word?”

“Hn.”

* * *

 

“This isn’t happening. I do not approve of this at all. I would rather invite the crazy religious dude from the Akatsuki than have _him_ at our son’s first birthday party.”

Sasuke rolled his eyes and ignored Naruto’s complaints as he tied the birthday party invitation to the leg of his hawk. He told the bird to go to Orochimaru’s hideout and the bird did a slight twitch of acknowledge before flying out the window. Menma was currently in school and Kakashi was kind enough (read: didn’t really care much) to give them the day off to prepare for tonight’s celebration.

“He’s not that bad. Unexpectedly reliable when you give him the chance.”

Naruto snorted and gave him a face of disgust.

“Sugietsu is the most annoying person I’ve ever met. And his teeth? Do you really want those things anywhere near Menma?” Naruto shivered.

“Oh okay. So dog boy is allowed to come to the party with his mutt that’s the size of half of this apartment, but Sugietsu is crossing boundaries?” Sasuke argued, unpacking the decorations from their party haul.

Naruto watched as red, orange, blue, and more orange streamers came from the grocery bag, along with tangled-up banners and party hats that all seemed mismatched. By the time Sasuke finished unpacking everything, it looked like a rainbow going through an identity crisis threw up on their table. They really should’ve asked Ino to help with the decorations. She was good at this kind of stuff.

“Menma loves Akamaru! And his name is Kiba, not dog boy.” Naruto mumbled, moving to help Sasuke with the decorations even through their bickering. Their arguing has become so natural that they could probably casually banter while brushing their teeth.

“So you have no problem with Karin or Jugo, but throw a tantrum at Sugietsu.” Sasuke said with a slightly confused edge.

“Jugo, when he isn’t in his crazy murderous mode, is the chillest dude I’ve ever met. Karin is kind of family, but Sugietsu? He is neither chill nor family. He’s barely even human. Is he even human?” Naruto turned to Sasuke, who was holding an orange uninflated balloon.

Sasuke blew air into the orange elastic and Naruto almost couldn’t believe his eyes. If he told his 16 year old self that one day, the notorious Sasuke Uchiha would be standing in their shared living room blowing up cute decorations for their 4 year old biological son, would he believe himself? Probably not and probably would hit himself with a rasengan for even suggesting the idea.

“Yes, he’s human.” Sasuke reached for another balloon, this time a blue colored one. He frowned. These colors were reminding him too much of a puffy, ugly jumpsuit that he wished he could put behind him. Thank god for Naruto’s new choice of orange and black color palettes. “And why do you hate him so much anyways?”

Naruto untangled the banners and party hats that were strung together and said with a small shrug, “I don’t know, the dude just rubs me off the wrong way. He’s loud and he’s kind of an idiot and he’s dopey and he’s always saying inappropriate stuff and he’s always so _touchy_ with you --”

“So he’s you.” Sasuke interjected and it’s like a small lightbulb went off in his head.

He grunted as he pulled at the banner’s strings, “What?”

“You don’t like Sugietsu, because he reminds you of _you.”_ Sasuke explained, now wearing a smug look. “And you’re _jealous.”_

The moment the words left Sasuke’s lips, Naruto snapped the banner in half.  

“Jealous of _Sugietsu?”_ Naruto spluttered, completely flabbergasted and shocked and wholly offended. “If the world was a box of Cheerios, then Sugietsu would be the stale crumbs at the bottom of the bag and I would be the cool, collectible toy. I have no reason to be jealous of him.”

The smug look didn’t leave Sasuke’s face. Compared to Naruto’s huge circle of friends that all vied for his attention, Sasuke considered it a socially productive day if he said the words, “Thank you” to the cashier at the grocery store. So for Naruto Uzumaki to actually be jealous of Sasuke over a _person?_ He wasn’t going to let this one go anytime soon.

“I mean, I _did_ spend a lot of time with him. Since we all traveled together and all. Onsens. Battles. _Training.”_ Sasuke teased, quite enjoying the way Naruto’s ears turned red.

Naruto easily took the bait. “Are you trying to get me riled up, Uchiha?”

“Depends.” Sasuke smirked. “Is is working?”

Naruto stopped whatever he was doing, his brain unable to focus on anything than the provocative look Sasuke was giving him. He glanced at the clock and said suggestively, “We only have 15 minutes until Menma’s out of school.”

Within seconds, Naruto found himself pressed back against the table with Sasuke hovering over him (did he just hear Sasuke _growl?)_ , the decorations clattering noisily on the floor. In one slick movement, Sasuke pulled his shirt off, revealing that beautiful toned body that Naruto couldn’t wait to ravish. He smirked.

This was turning out to be one hell of a party.

* * *

 

“What the _hell_ happened here?!”

Sakura and Sai scanned the scene before them with a shocked expression. Well, more shocked from Sakura’s side than from Sai’s side. Sai already had a rather vivid understanding of what happened. The apartment looked like it was trashed - on purpose. Naruto sat in the middle of it all, trying (and failing) to untangle himself from the banners.

“Hey Sakura, hey Sai...wasn’t expecting you two so soon…” He greeted awkwardly and Sasuke came in then, looking mildly annoyed.

“Bumped into them on the way back home. Said they’ll help with decorations.”

“Yeah and good thing we offered, because this looks like a battle scene.” Sakura commented flatly, kicking away some funfetti that somehow attached to her foot.

“Woah, what is this!”

A small voice cried out and Menma squeezed between Sasuke’s legs, eyes brightening at the sight of party decorations all over the apartment. He rummaged excitedly through the mess, unbothered that his home looked like an orange and blue monster vomited all over their floor.

“Yes Naruto,” Sai smiled, though it implied much more than just a friendly greeting. “What _is_ this?”

Naruto, with his hair disheveled and practically glowing with post-sex endorphins, coughed into his hand and mumbled, “Sasuke and I aren’t good at decorating stuff.”

And Sasuke, obviously looking crisp and flaw free, not a trace of his previous activities on him, turned to Sai and said tensely, “Party. Decorations. _My child._ Remember that conversation, Sai?”

“I got it, no more innuendoes.” Sai put his hands up in an act of surrender. “Must’ve been pretty unsatisfying for you to be so touchy.”

Before Sasuke could put a nasty end of Sai’s life, Menma ran towards them with a party hat on his head and yelled happily, “Papa, look! Look! I’m a unicorn!”

Sakura “kya-ed” from the overload of cuteness and Sai was pretty grateful for the adorable interruption, because he was sure that if Sasuke glared at him any longer, he would be bursting into black flames. Naruto finally freed himself from the tangled mess on the floor and went to lift Menma up in his arms.

“Do you know what day is it today, you little bamboo unicorn?!” Naruto asked and Menma shook his head, laughing. “It’s your birthday! We’re going to have a party all for you today!”

“Cake and games?” Menma asked excitedly.

Naruto nodded. “Yup! The house is going to look all cool and your cake is going to have candles and all of your friends from school are going to be here!”

“Soon Inojin and the others are going to be here to play.” Sai said and Menma beamed.

“But first,” Sakura stared at the room in distaste. “We have to make this place look presentable.”

“You want to help Dad with the streamers?” Naruto walked away with Menma in his arms, both of them laughing and giggling together like a pair of happy idiots trapped in a family stock photo.

Sakura went to salvage whatever decorations she could from the floor, leaving Sai and Sasuke to fully realize their inability to properly socialize with other people.

“So,” Sai started to say, his trademark smile on. “Things are going good, huh?”

Sasuke gave a curt nod, wanting nothing more than to get out of this nightmare of small talk and human eye contact.

“Really weird how things turn out right? I have Ino and Inojin, Naruto has you and Menma, and you’re somehow not rotting inside of a prison cell.”

A very noticeable vein appeared on Sasuke’s forehead and if it wasn’t for the fact that it was his son’s birthday, he would’ve wiped that smile off of Sai’s a long time ago. He decided to focus on Naruto and Menma in the kitchen, where Menma had somehow wrapped streamers around Naruto’s face. Soon enough, the two of them were wrapped up in an orange mess, acting like mummies and laughing their heads off. Sasuke allowed himself a small smile at the sight. What idiots.

“Naruto and Menma are really similar, aren’t they?” Sai voiced and Sasuke rolled his eyes.

He was so close to forgetting that Sai was here.

“Doesn’t that bother you at all?”

Sasuke gave Sai a cold look. “What do you mean.”

“Naruto and Menma are carbon copies of each other. The eyes, the face, the whiskers…” Sai watched as Menma walked around the kitchen like a mummy and proceed to walk himself into a wall. “....the personality. I mean, for all intents and purposes, Menma is more of an Uzumaki than an Uchiha.”

He was met with silence from Sasuke, so Sai continued, “I just think I would be upset knowing that the one last chance my clan got to revival is gone.”

Menma came rushing towards them at that moment, trails of orange streamers billowing behind him as he ran. “Come play with us, Papa!”

“And what are you playing as?” Sasuke asked and Sai wondered how “socially normal” it was for a person to change from potentially murderous to parental fondness in a matter of seconds.

“I’m a mummy dattebasa!” Menma said and Sasuke turned rigid.

“Datte...basa?” Sasuke echoed quietly, as if he couldn’t believe his ears.

“As expected of an Uzumaki, right Sasuke?” Sai commented and Menma ran off to tackle Naruto to the ground and for a second, Sasuke thought Naruto was playing with another one of his shadow clones.

“Yeah,” Sasuke replied distantly. “Like father, like son.”

* * *

 

By the will of Sakura Haruno, the party vomit of an apartment turned into a children’s dreamland. Of course, it took around 20 shadow clones to finish the job, but still. Menma bounced up and down the walls from his excitement of seeing so many bright colors and decorations around the home. Sasuke watched him silently, with a bit of a concerned edge.

“Still pouting about how there are going to be actual humans other than me, Sakura, and Menma in this house today?” Naruto asked, joining him by the couch. Sasuke seemed significantly more uptight than he did earlier in the day.

“I’ll be okay.” He replied, but something about the rigidness of his face made Naruto think otherwise. Something was bothering him and Naruto had a feeling it went beyond forced human interaction.

“You sure? You’ve been acting weird ever since you came home with Menma.” Naruto remembered catching a glimpse of Sasuke and Sai talking to each other and immediately scowled. “Is it because Sai mentioned my dick size again? I swear, he has never seen my dick before.”

“No, he didn’t mention your dick size. He just...” Sasuke started and then stopped, as if he wasn’t sure if he should continue. “...talked about Inojin.”

Naruto inched his face closer to his, eyes scanning him in scrutiny. People have told him all his life to never trust his gut feeling, because most of his gut feelings involve blindly running into combat, but things were different with Sasuke. His gut feelings were almost never wrong about Sasuke. And right now, Naruto’s gut feeling was telling him that Sasuke was hiding something.

“There’s something you’re not telling me.”

“I’m not a man of many words.”

Naruto snorted at his remark, going back to his original position with a roll of his eyes.

“You Uchihas sure like to keep secrets.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sasuke nearly hissed and Naruto frowned, surprised at the vehement reaction.

Before he could say anything else, Menma ran up to them and leaped onto both of their laps, holding cookies in his hands that they were _sure to have hidden._ Geez, children can be so sneaky. Especially when they’re ninjas in training.

“When is Auntie Sakura and Uncle Sai going to come back?” Menma asked with his cheeks stuffed.

“They just went to get some more things for the party.” Naruto moved over so that Menma was situated between them. “The party is going to start soon, are you excited?”

Menma nodded, licking some chocolate off of his hands. They really have to start hiding the cookie jar better.

“Everyone wants to meet Dad, because Dad is the hero of the village.” Menma beamed.

“Really?” Naruto looked sheepish, but it was undeniable how pleased he was. His head almost grew two times in size. “I guess your dad is that cool, huh?”

Sasuke stood up wordlessly and walked out of the living room as Menma kept going on animatedly. Naruto kept his smile in place for Menma, but he didn’t miss the look on Sasuke’s face before he left. He made a mental note to ask Sasuke about their interaction later.

“So how did you find where the cookies were?”

Men smiled mischievously. Naruto smiled back at him wearily. His misbehavior coupled with Sasuke’s cunningness was a force to be reckoned with. Luckily, before Menma could finally delve into that details of his Cookie Heist (which included some weapons that he really shouldn’t be having in his toy bin), their doorbell rang.

“Oh that’s probably Auntie Sakura. Why don’t you go find Papa so he can help you clean off those crumbs on your face?”

As Menma sped off (the sugar was starting to hit), Naruto went to go open the door, only to be pushed aside as Sakura barged into the room holding a cake that must’ve been half of her size.

“Do you need help…?”

“No I’m totally fine.” Sakura growled through clenched teeth as she slammed the cake on top of the table. “It’s not like I could’ve used that help walking over here or anything. And Sai had to leave early to help Ino get ready.”

“Thanks Sakura, you really didn’t have to do this.”

Sakura scoffed. “I’m not doing it for you or the other ‘Mr. Sunshine.’ I’m doing this for Menma.”

“Then he’s lucky to have you as an auntie.” Naruto said. He lingered for a bit, not quite knowing whether or not it was smart to ask Sakura for any type of relationship advice, but…

“So did you and Sasuke get into a fight or something? He’s been acting a little bit off.” Sakura commented with a casual swiftness that took him off guard.

“You noticed too?”

“Yeah. I mean, he’s always disgruntled and a little grumpy, but he just seemed _extra_ disgruntled today. Did something happen?”

Naruto shook his head. “Nothing happened. In fact, before you guys came Sasuke and I had really amazing --”

“Nope. Don’t finish that sentence. I don’t want to know. Reel it back in, Naruto.”

“All I’m saying is we didn’t fight.”

Sakura shrugged, because it’s kind of been proven time and time again that she wasn’t the best person to go to for understanding the very few, but complex emotions of Sasuke Uchiha. “Beats me, but figure it out soon before the party starts.”

“When _does_ the party start?” Naruto questioned, realizing that in all of their business, he never bothered to check the time.

And then their doorbell rang.

Sakura smiled excitedly. “Right now.”

* * *

 

Maybe the _entire_ village wasn’t at the party, but it was still pretty damn close.

Sasuke skillfully maneuvered through a hoard of children that ran past his feet, careful not to drop all the gifts he carried in his arms from the third wave of guests. There was barely any space for him to walk in his own home with all of the people that lounged around, all of their conversations creating an annoying cacophony that normal people would call “fun.”

“Do you need any help with that?” A stranger approached him and Sasuke wasn’t quite sure what kind of expression he gave the man, but the person suddenly backed away.

“S-Sorry, I didn’t mean to...um…” The man gulped and then turned on his heels, scurrying away like a scared dog.

“Nice to see you haven’t changed, Sasuke.”

Sasuke poked his head above the stack of presents and found Team Taka in front of him, just as fucked up as he left them. Karin had her arms crossed and nose upturned, as if to say that she could really care less about his presence, but the undeniable blush on her cheeks gave her away. Jugo pleasantly smiled at him, holding a small box that probably was a gift for Menma. And Sugietsu…

“So I’m guessing the kid with the dopey face is your kid?”

Sugietsu was still irritatingly the same.

“If you’re talking about the boy with whiskers, then yes. That’s my kid.” Sasuke dumped the gifts on top of the ever-growing pile of presents in the living room.

“Right,” Sugietsu dismissed the subject as quickly as he introduced it. “So, uh….we really didn’t think we would hear from you again.”

Sasuke stared at them blankly. “And why is that.”

“We all thought you would be upset about the biological experiment,” Jugo explained. “But really, we had no idea that Orochimaru was even working on stuff like that.”

Sasuke turned to Karin, expecting the red head to say something to him. She made eye contact with him for merely a second before huffing, lifting her nose even higher into the air.

“I have nothing to say to you.” Karin said hotly.

Behind them, Sasuke saw Hinata accidentally spill their food all over the kitchen floor and proceed to panic and act flustered about it. He sighed.

“I didn’t keep in contact because things have been busy. With Menma. I can’t pin the blame on you three for what Orochimaru did.” Sasuke looked at Karin. “I’m sorry.”

“And we’re sorry too.” Jugo apologized. “If we known what Orochimaru was up to, we wouldn’t have let him get as far as he did.” Sugietsu nodded in agreement.

After what seemed like much inner turmoil, Karin finally dropped her arms and gave him a smile, this time with a lot less drool that she usually does.

“Uzumakis are still your soft spot, huh?” Karin teased and even Sasuke couldn’t help a slight upward twitch of his lips.

“Always have and always will be.” Sasuke said.

“Looks like the gang is all back together!” Sugietsu yelled, cracking his knuckles like he was preparing for a fight. “But honestly, I thought it would be for much more badass purposes.” He added afterwards, once he realized that he was surrounded by regular citizens and off-duty shinobi, all eating appetizers and drinking sweetened teas.

“Speaking of Uzumakis,” Jugo ignored Sugietsu’s comments. “Menma really does look like Naruto, doesn’t he?”

Karin and Sugietsu turned their heads around to see Menma, who was running and laughing with a bunch of other children around the apartment, squeezing themselves between people’s legs.

“A splitting image of him, actually.” Karin added.

“But really though, it’s almost like Orochimaru didn’t even bother using your genetics.” Sugietsu said and even though he didn’t mean it to sound mocking, it really sounded like mocking. “What if Menma is like 80% Uzumaki and only 20% Uchiha?”

“I can see some of Sasuke’s qualities in him.” Jugo protested.

“Besides his hair?” Karin raised a brow.

Jugo stayed silent. “...well...no…”

Sasuke sighed bitterly to himself. All anyone knows to how to say to him is _Menma looks so much like Naruto, Menma’s going to become the next Hokage in line, Menma is going the Uzumaki name proud, thank god he’s such a bright kid as opposed too --_ Sasuke’s gut twisted when he and Menma’s eyes met. They were so unlike his own.

“ _OH MY GOD_ is that my cousin???”

“Fuck,” Karin cursed under her breath. “Hide me, hide me, quick.”

“You think you can hide from me with that hair of yours?” Naruto laughed as he approached her, pulling her into a forced hug. “I haven’t seen you in forever!”

“I’ve been busy.” Karin pulled herself out of the hug.

“Hey Jugo,” Naruto greeted, but then pulled his face back into a scowl at Sugietsu. “Sugietsu. You made it.”

“Um yeah, the pleasure is all mine.” Sugietsu said, confused by the change in tone.

“Oh, I’m sure it is.” Naruto semi-growled and Sasuke jumped in, before Team Taka could get a chance to see how embarassing Naruto _can_ be _._

“Did you need something, Naruto?”

“Oh, right!” Naruto smiled in a way that let Sasuke know that he wasn’t going to like whatever Naruto was about to say. “So remember how we agreed that there was going to be no alcohol at the party?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I think some people took ‘no alcohol served at the party’ as ‘bring your own alcohol to serve at the party,’ so Rock Lee is throwing up over our balcony, Chouji just finished off most of our food, and I think Kiba just gave Menma a dog.”

“And Sakura?”

From the distance, they heard a muffled, “SHANARROOO!” and then a loud crumbling noise as the walls started to shake. They all stared at each other with tight expressions.

“She may have drank a little bit.” Naruto concluded.

Sasuke shook his head, naturally falling into the position of a leader. “I’ll get Mirai to take Rock Lee home and Jugo can take care of the dog. Karin, can you make sure that no one’s injured from Sakura’s...eruption and Sugietsu, get everyone rounded together for the birthday cake. I think it’s time to end this party.”

“Yes!” Sugietsu pumped a fist into the air. “Team Taka on their new mission: Domesticity’s a Fucking Nightmare!”

They all left to their respective duties and Sasuke turned to find Mirai, when Naruto’s hand stopped him.

“Why don’t I talk to Mirai and you round all of the kids up for the birthday cake? They don’t take me as seriously as you.”

And maybe it was because Sasuke could already smell the vomit coming from the balcony, or the crack in his ceiling that definitely _wasn’t there before_ , or the fact that Menma will grow up knowing what being an Uchiha is and if he knew, if he had a choice, wouldn’t he to be chose an Uzumaki instead--?

Sasuke shook Naruto’s hand off. “You handle it. He’s your kid, anyways.”

“What? Sasuke --”

He stormed off before he could Naruto say anything else, because he didn’t want to hear it. He was really good at that anyways. Tuning off things people say to him unless it catered to his most definite interest.

When he finally found Mirai, she was already lifting Rock Lee into what looked like Might Guy’s wheelchair and Sasuke didn’t want to know, nor did he care, about what happened to Might Guy in the first place. He did a quick scan of the apartment and noticed Jugo playing with an inordinately large dog, Karin running a small makeshift hospital in the corner of the kitchen, and Sugietsu herding the crowd like they were livestock. Finally, a mission that Team Taka finally accomplished without any twist, turns, or wars in their way.

“C’mon people, it’s time for cake!” Sugietsu called out. “Sugary, processed goodness baked from Konoha’s finest supermarket! Let’s move it people! Step right up to get a good look at the miracle child himself!”

“I think that’s enough Sugietsu.” Sasuke warned and Sugietsu saluted at him.

“Glad to be of service.”

Sasuke squeezed through the crowd, just in time to see Menma and Naruto by the table, the candles already lit on the cake. Naruto and him made eye contact and the blonde gestured for Sasuke to join them. He shook his head. He wasn’t fit for these kind of joyous occasions.

Menma’s cheeks were flushed red from running around with his friends and his usual bright and happy demeanor was elevated to brand new heights today. Sasuke couldn’t suppress the tight feeling in his chest, a mixture of pride, happiness, and maybe even guilt.

“Papa!” Menma waved at him, beckoning him to come over, but then Naruto started to sing, “Happy Birthday to you…”

“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Menma,” The entire apartment started to sing along. “Happy Birthday to you!” Everyone started to cheer, with shouts of “make a wish!” and “blow out the candles!” here and there.

Menma stood up on the chair and leaned forward, looking way too serious about candle blowing than any child should be. He sucked in a large breath, until his chest puffed out, and when he blew  --

The entire apartment fell dead silent. The cake was burnt to a crisp. No, correction. The cake was on fire.

Sasuke and Naruto shared the same wide eyed look.

“Menma, did you just -”

“Was that a -”

“ _Fireball Jutsu?!”_ They yelled simultaneously and Menma looked at them with guilty eyes.

“Did I do something bad?” Menma asked in a feeble voice.

“No,” Sasuke said, looking at Menma, those blue eyes, those whiskered cheeks, that dorky smile, and realizing how stupid and petty he’s been the entire day. This was his son. He’s an Uchiha as much as he is Uzumaki. He’s the sun and the moon and everything inbetween. He’s the bridge between hatred and love.

Menma was hope.

“You did nothing wrong.” Sasuke restated. He tapped Menma’s forehead with his fingers, smiling when a small blush went across Menma’s cheeks. What a typical Uchiha response. “I’m proud of you.”

Naruto ruffled Menma’s hair. “I cannot believe you mastered the Fireball Jutsu without even trying!”

Soon enough, everyone else was saying their congratulations and Sasuke kept hearing, “As expected of the Uchiha clan” and “Uchihas were always known for their geniuses.” Naruto came up to Sasuke’s side.

“Just so we’re on the same page,” Naruto teased, though his eyes were soft. “Menma is _both_ of ours, right?”

“Yeah,” Sasuke agreed, this time more confident than ever. “He is.”

“Oh, and Naruto?”

“Hm?”

“We’re never throwing a party again.”

“Agreed.”

*****A NEW PICTURE FRAME*****

Naruto grinning and Sasuke’s nonchalant expression, with a hint of pride. Menma between them, party hat still on his head, cheeks red from the fire or maybe just from happiness. Behind: A blackened cake that’s still on fire. In the corner, Sai with a fire extinguisher.

To this day, still one of Sasuke’s favorite photos.

*******


	6. The Day Naruto Became Hokage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y'all know i had to write this after the ova

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this late? yes. is this fic abandoned? hell no. am i still alive? barely. 
> 
> i will finish this fic if it's the last thing i do. my tumblr is xiuxsns.tumblr.com 
> 
> plz visit me and assist this poor college student during late nights writing naruto fanfiction. thank you. kudos & comments keep me motivated.
> 
> ps. changed it from 15 to 12 chapters

Naruto Uzumaki was a little bit on edge today.

“Oh god, where’s my cloak?!”

He and ten other clones ripped the master bedroom to shreds searching for his cloak. _The_ cloak. The iconic white one with flames along the brim. The one that that made Naruto go from a 5 to a solid 8. The cloak that could even make the iciest of people (i.e. Sasuke Uchiha) swoon.

And he didn’t know where it was on his fucking Inauguration Day.

“Naruto,” Sasuke opened the door. “Why are you making such a big fuss in the morning.”

Sasuke was greeted with 11 different Narutos and one of them had a piece of their floorboards in his hands. Their room turned into debris. Sasuke sucked in a breath and forced himself to be patient, but his eye still twitched in annoyance. “What. Are you doing.”

“We’re searching for our cloak.” One of the clones responded.

“I just picked it up. It’s right here.” Sasuke placed the freshly lined cloak on the bed, with _Nanadaime_ switched neatly on the back. He did have to put the stubborn old sewing lady under a genjutsu where she _thinks_ she sewed the Hokage’s cloak, while Sasuke had Neko-baasan finish the job, but no one needed to know.

The clones dispersed and Naruto picked up the cloak with shimmery eyes. Naruto Uzumaki (31) looked like he was going to ugly sob over a cloak.

“Oh my god I’m so glad I have you in my life have I ever expressed that to you before because I know domestic life doesn’t suit you and if you need to go on another redemption trip then it’s totally okay just send a lot of emails and nudes but come back every once in awhile for Menma -” Naruto made a disgusting snorting noise as he sniffled from getting overly emotional.  

Sasuke almost considered taking that redemption trip, if not just for that.

“You’re an idiot. I would never leave you alone to raise a child.” Sasuke lightly knocked him on the side of his head. “Sakura? Maybe. Because she’s capable. But you? Not a chance in hell.”

“Thank you.” Naruto croaked, reaching for a hug which Sasuke skillfully dodged.

“Start getting ready.” Sasuke said as Naruto stumbled. “The ceremony starts at noon.”

Naruto nodded, making a mental tally mark on the list titled, “Hugs Sasuke Uchiha Owes Naruto Uzumaki,” and headed towards the bathroom. He splashed some water on his face and looked at his reflection in the mirror.

The lines of his face were jagged and sharp, the shortness of his hair made him look gaunt, and there were small lines around his eyes, showing signs of age. He wondered what his younger self would think if he saw his current self now. Practically married to his best friend. A son to call his own. A family to come home to everyday. He patted his face dry and smiled fondly into the mirror.

Now, finally, a Hokage.

“You alright?”

Sasuke leaned against the doorway. He wore his hair in a small ponytail at home, similar to his older brother’s, with the fringe pushed back to reveal his eyes. It took a long time, but he was finally able to control his Rinnegan, only activating it when needed. Although Sasuke aged, he still retained his good looks and smooth skin. He waited for Naruto to speak.

“Yeah it’s just,” Naruto almost seemed shy. “Too good to be true.”

Sasuke stayed silent, an unreadable expression on his face. Memories passed between them. Some good and some bad. Schoolyard fights and lonely swing sets. Empty training grounds and a moon turned red. The Valley of the End. Two boys, starving for love, finding it within each other.

“Yeah,” Sasuke echoed. “Too good to be true.”

Naruto shuffled his feet. “Don’t get all sentimental on me now, bastard.”

“Wipe your nose before you say anything to me, dobe.” Sasuke retorted.

Naruto chuckled lightly and a loud banging on their door caught their attention.

“Papa!! Dad!!” Menma shouted from the other side.

“Speaking of things that are too good to be true…” Naruto trailed off and opened the door, where a certain 8 year old bounced up and down excitedly.

“Good morning!” Menma rocketed into their room and leaped onto the bed like an excited puppy. “Guess what day it is today!” Menma paused then, when he saw the condition that their room was in. “What happened?” He asked.

Sasuke gave Naruto a pointed look and Naruto shook off the question. “Long story.”

“Well, anyway, today is a very important day!” Menma continued.

“Oh really now,” Naruto visibly straightened, trying to look much cooler than he actually was. Sasuke carefully hid his eyeroll. “And what might that day be?”

Menma beamed. “Today is…!”

“...that day your dad becomes Hokage!” “...when _Ninja Tales 2: Shinobi Warriors_ comes out!”

A heavy silence filled the air as the two pair of idiots who Sasuke Uchiha had the privileged misfortune to call his family, stared at each other with confused expressions. Well, more confusion on Naruto’s end than Menma’s.

“A video game?” Naruto whispered distantly, before forcing a smile and brightening his tone. “O-Oh right! The video game! The one you’ve been talking about for weeks.” 

“Yes, that one! Shikadai and Inojin are going to wait in line to go get it before the ceremony starts. Can I go with them? Pretty please?” Menma put on his best puppy dog look, the kind that he knew Naruto couldn’t resist and only worked on Sasuke half the time.

“Uh,” Naruto scratched the back of his head and Sasuke chimed in.

“No, you can’t.” Sasuke stated. “It’s important that we’re not late to the ceremony today. Whatever video game can wait.”

“But Papa, they might sell out by then!” Menma protested.

“You heard your Papa,” Naruto said sternly and Sasuke gave the blonde an affirmative nod. “A no is a no.”

Menma pouted and his dark hair, which grew out like Sasuke’s, except a bit more wild, seemed to rustle from his anger. “Fine.” He said, though his attitude showed that he was less than fine.

“Don’t talk that way to your parents. We have to be ready soon, so get dressed and behave yourself, you understand?” Sasuke warned and Menma nodded, though unwillingly.

He slid off the bed and would’ve stormed out the room, if it weren’t for the fact that he knew he would get in serious trouble if he did.

Once the door closed behind him, Sasuke and Naruto dropped their “parental” demeanour and gave each other an exhausted look.

“Remember when he was so small and tiny and cute?"

“And couldn’t speak? Yeah, I remember.”

Naruto sat on the bed with a sigh, feeling a bit foolish for feeling the way that he did. It’s not like he expected Menma, at his age, to understand how significant this was. After all, Naruto wanted to become Hokage because...

“Oi, Hokage-sama.”

Naruto snapped his head up, looking at Sasuke with wide eyes. Sasuke smirked at him.

“Look. You’re already used to it.”

Naruto let out a small, breathless laugh. Hokage-sama. How long had he yearned to be called that? Outside of their window, the Hokage’s Office looked radiant against the green and dune-colored backdrop of Konoha’s forest terrain. He could sense the energy of the village - citizens waking up early to decorate the town square; freshly baked goods for the celebrations afterwards; vendors preparing for the festival later on in the night.

That’s right. Naruto reminded himself, getting of the bed. Today wasn’t about him.

He would be a bad Hokage if he thought that it was.

Naruto grabbed the cloak and put it on with a practiced ease as if he’s already been Hokage for years. He glanced at Sasuke from over his shoulder, the cloak settling around his body.

“Let’s go. Hokage’s orders.”

Holy fuck, Sasuke thought as Naruto walked out of the room.

That was damn sexy.

 

* * *

 

Menma Uzumaki was a little bit on edge today.

He squirmed uncomfortably in his seat, waiting outside the lobby of the Hokage’s Office. It was especially busy today, with people scattering back and forth to prepare for the ceremony. While everyone else was busy doing something, Menma was here. Doing nothing. Shikadai and Inojin probably already have the game.

Man. Menma sunk lower into his seat. This sucks.

“Dad was always going to become Hokage anyways.” Menma muttered under his breath.

“I dunno, Konohamaru could’ve given im a run for his money.”

Menma startled at the sudden voice behind him. Shikadai’s dad slid into the seat beside him, a slight smile on his face as he regarded Menma with an expression that made the feel like he was found guilty of something. Shikamaru played with a toothpick between his teeth.

“Don’t look so nervous,” Shikamaru laughed. “I won’t tell your Dad what you said. You’re upset because of that _Ninja_ whatever video game right?”

Menma hesitated, before nodding. “Are Shikadai and Inojin already there?”

“Probably.” Shikamaru frowned. “That troublesome boy thinking that our family is made of money. Che.” He spit out the last word in annoyance.

Menma’s mood grew even more sour. He was totally missing out, all because he had to sit here and wait for his parents to do some boring official things where he wasn’t even needed. Why couldn’t he just join them once the ceremony started?

“You know, when you sulk like that, you look more like Sasuke than Naruto.”

Menma peered at him from raven strands. “Not because of the hair?” People always tell him that he has his Papa’s hair.

Shikamaru didn’t respond and instead looked away from him. He looked like he was considering something. Then he said, “You know, Shikadai and Inojin left pretty early. They might be at Ino’s house right now, if you want to join them. Just make sure you get here on time and I’ll let your parents know.”

“Really? Is that okay?” Menma’s mood improved by a landslide.

Shikamaru chuckled at the boy’s sudden change in behavior. “Yeah, I’m sure. Now go quickly while you still have time.”

“Thanks, Uncle Shikamaru!” Menma bounced off his seat and started running. “I owe you one!”

Shikamaru mumbled something about him being a troublesome brat, but Menma already turned the corner out of earshot. Chouji, who watched the entire scene from a distance, approached his old teammate and asked, “Is it alright to send him to Ino’s house? The ceremony is about to start.”

Shikamaru sighed and made himself comfortable in his seat.

“You know what the thing with kids is?” He said instead and Chouji asked, “What?”

“You can pour everything you have into raising them and they still won't know a thing about you." 

And Chouji, even though he had no idea what Shikamaru was talking about, steadily agreed.

 

* * *

 

Menma sent small bursts of chakra towards his feet to run faster.

His heart leaped out of his chest at the thought of being able to play his favorite video game and he couldn’t wait to see the look on his friend’s faces when he beats all of them on the first try!

He skidded to a stop in front of Inojin’s house and knocked on the door. No response. Did they already leave for the ceremony? Menma thought, before catching both Shikadai and Inojin’s voices from the open window above him. Those nerd burgers were probably too engrossed in their game to open the door.

Using whatever little chakra control he had, Menma scaled up the walls of their house and nearly fell, but his hand caught the window still right on time. He kicked himself into the opening and landed unceremoniously on the floor with a painful thud.

The first thing he noticed was the array of schools, some of them drawn in and some of them empty, across the floor. He almost couldn’t see the floor. On one of the walls, a family portrait of Inojin and his parents smiled back at him.

 _This must be Inojin’s parents room,_ Menma though as he carefully maneuvered over the scrolls. _He did say that his mom was working on some new techniques._

Menma was halfway through the room, when a loud thump from the wall made him jump and lose his footing. As he fell, he heard the faint sound of Inojin’s mom yelling, “Boys! Stop fooling around!”

The last thing Menma remembered seeing what the intricate symbols of the scroll in front of him.

And then, he was falling.

There was a flash of white and when Menma finally landed, he didn’t feel any impact or pain. Just the coolness of a hardwood surface against his body. He got up slowly and looked around.

He was in a completely different room.

“Inojin? Shikadai?” Menma called as he walked around. “Where am I?”

There was a bed in one corner of the room and to his left, a tiny kitchen space with a table and one chair. Whoever lived in this place clearly didn’t care for hygiene, as Menma found half-eaten bread and expired milk on the dining table.

Did he fall into a teleportation jutsu? He wondered as he let himself out of the room. He wasn’t sure how teleportation jutsus work, but he remembered studying them with Shikadai the other day. As long as he was still in Konoha, then everything should be fine.

He walked out of the apartment complex and looked around. Everywhere he turned looked unfamiliar. In fact, he doesn’t remember ever seeing this apartment building before. When he caught sight of the Hokage’s Office, he let out a breath of relief.

 _Dad and Papa would be so mad if I was late._ Menma thought as he sprinted towards the Hokage’s Office. The faster he gets to the Hokage Office and the faster he sees his parents, the more likely he is to shake off a peculiar feeling that coiled in his stomach.

A feeling that told him something was amiss.

As Menma ran, he noticed that the streets seemed more cramped and undeveloped. All dirt and dust and no pavement. The shops that he passed through looked raggedy and old. Did a place like this ever exist in Konoha before?

As he got closer to the Hokage’s Office, he saw past the high tree tops and stopped.

He blinked hard, because his eyes must be deceiving him.

The Hokage Office looked fine, just as he left it. But the Hokage Mountain...was missing some faces. 2 of them, to be exact.

 _Where’s the 5th and 6th Hokage faces…?_ Menma questioned and that peculiar feeling morphed into panic. Where exactly was he?

“Don’t show your face here again, you hear me!”

An angry man shouted from one of the shops and then there was a flash of yellow as someone flew from the entrance, landing roughly on the dirt road.

“We don't serve the likes of you.” The man growled to the boy, who couldn't have been much older than Menma.

Menma, panic forgotten, rushed to the boy’s side.

“Are you okay?”

The boy didn't respond and slowly got up on his hands and knees, shoulder shaking as if he was crying. Menma only saw the boy’s backside and reached out to help him, before the boy twisted his body around and screamed at the top of his lungs.

“What do you know! One day, I’m going to become Hokage and everyone will have to acknowledge me dattebayo!”

Menma froze; his mouth hung open. There was only one person he knew who talked like that.

Wild blonde hair. Clear blue eyes. Three lines on each cheek.

“Dad?!” Menma exclaimed, but again, Naruto ignored him.

“You? Hokage?” The man barked with laughter. “The Hokage is no place for a monster like you!”

“That’s enough.” Another woman came out of the store. She casted a cold glare at Naruto. “You should go back to where you came from, instead of causing trouble here.”

Why were they being so cruel to him? Menma thought as the couple went back inside. His Dad - or at least the 8 year old version of his Dad - wiped the dirt off of his clothes, before gazing at the Hokage Mountain with an expression between determination and longing.

“Dad?” Menma tried again, but still no response.

“Just watch!” Naruto shouted at the top of lungs, catching the attention of all the villagers around him. “My face is going to be on that stone one day! I’ll become the strongest shinobi in Konoha! I’ll become Hokage! I’m not a monster - I’m Naruto Uzumaki!”

His hands balled into fists as he shouted. The villagers whispered amongst themselves and Menma felt a suffocating darkness as everyone regarded him with cold, disgusted glares.

“Damnit!” Naruto cursed and spun on his heels, running right towards Menma.

Menma gasped, bracing himself for the impact, but there was none. Naruto ran straight through him. As if Menma was nothing.

The raven haired boy watched the backside of his dad run down the street and turn the corner, the same way Menma just came from. A slow fear crept up on him as he looked around in a dazed confusion. No one else seemed to notice his presence either.

If it wasn’t a teleportation jutsu...if his Dad is a little kid now...then that means...

“Time travel jutsu?” Menma whispered to himself and as if on cue, the scenery before him changed.

This time, he was kneeling on a patch of green grass. The familiar campus of the Academy was in front of him. It must’ve been afterschool hours, because students were getting picked up by their families. His Dad was on the swing set by himself, staring at the floor - isolated and lonely. Menma’s chest tightened at the sight.

“Dad?” Menma called out. Around him, families laughed and surrounded his space. They whispered nasty things as Menma walked past them.

 

_Is it even safe to let that thing go to school with our children?_

_Remember that we don’t want you playing with him, alright?_

_A demon fox like him should be kept in prison, instead of roaming free._

 

Every word pierced through Menma like a knife. His insides started to shake. He started to run.

“Dad!” Menma yelled louder.

When Menma finally got to the swing set, it was empty. Uncertain hands reached out towards the oak, but another bright flash brought about another scene again. The time travel jutsu was noticeably glitching, transporting Menma in different moments in time.

He looked around him.

Clear, green fields. A cloudless, blue sky. He knew this place.

Konoha’s Cemetery.

In the distance, he saw a silhouette of a boy who looked similar to him. He ran closer towards the boy.

“Papa.” Menma said breathlessly, voice barely above a whisper.

Sasuke stood in front of a tombstone. He wore an expression much like his usual aloof one, but something was drastically different. His dark eyes were glazed over and distant. His Papa stood there, unmoving. Menma’s breath hitched when he caught the far away look in his Papa’s eyes - so empty and desolate that for a second, Menma felt scared.

Unable to watch anymore, Menma averted his eyes and closed them.

When he opened them again, he was standing by the riverbed. This was the river his fathers would always take him too. The autumn sunset cast an orange light around the entire city. The water shimmered with red and orange hues. To his right was the small dock, where his Papa was sitting on the edge. He was still just a boy.

Menma heard shuffling noises from above and saw his Dad walking down the road, staring at his Papa with a curious expression. His Dad looked like he wanted to talk to them.

When Naruto and Sasuke both made eye contact, their gaze lingered for a few seconds and for a moment, Menma expected the both of them to talk.

Instead, they huffed and snapped their heads away indignantly.

Menma furrowed his brows in confusion. Did his parents used to hate each other? He thought about the way they were now. Subtle, gentle touches. Quiet support. Loud bickering that always ended with laughter. He glanced at his Papa again and sucked in a small breath.

His Papa was smiling.

And then, there was another explosion of white.

The room Menma found himself standing in was dimly lit. He was facing the kitchen that he first landed in before. Behind him, a voice choked out:

“Why?”

Menma turned around slowly, until he was facing his Dad’s child-self. The corners of Naruto’s eyes were wet as he spoke with a pained frustration.

“Why does everyone treat me that way? What did I ever do that was so bad?” His Naruto wiped his face with his sleeve. “Why don’t I -” (Menma felt his heart crack.) “ - have a family?”

“Don’t worry,” Menma started to say, even though he knew his dad couldn’t hear him. “It doesn’t stay that way forever! The entire village loves you now and you’re definitely going to become Hokage! Dad is a hero now, you know!” Menma sniffled, feeling tears well up in his eyes. “No one thinks you’re a monster anymore. And you have me now! And Papa and Auntie Sakura and Uncle Iruka and Granny Tsunade and the Sixth Hokage! You won’t be alone forever, you know! You’ll be happy, dattebasa! And I - I’m -”

The Naruto in front of him, no more than a day older than Menma was, finally let tears run down his face. Menma whimpered.

“I’m sorry!”

There was another bright flash and Menma shot up from the bed.

He looked around. He was at the hospital now. But what time was it?

Auntie Sakura walked through the doors and when their eyes met, a huge sigh of relief escaped her. Menma relaxed; he was back in his own time now. The jutsu must’ve either wore off or gotten released.

“He’s awake!” She called into the hallway and rushed to his side. “How do you feel? Do you remember who you are? Do you know what happened?”

“I’m Menma U.” He hiccuped. “I was at Inojin’s house. I tripped onto a scroll and then -”

“ - Menma!”

Naruto burst through the door, Sasuke following closely behind him. They looked so worried that Menma felt guilty.

“Dad...Papa…!” Menma cried out and felt his voice shake. They rushed to his side.

“We heard from Ino that you accidentally activated one of her time traveling jutsus.” Naruto said. “Do you know how dangerous it is to fall into an unfinished jutsu? You’re lucky that you’re fine.”

“Auntie Ino’s time travel jutsu…” Menma repeated and things were finally starting to make sense in his head. “Is that why my body didn’t teleport? Only my inner self did?”

Sasuke nodded. “What were you doing at Ino’s house anyways? Didn’t we tell you to wait for us?”

“C’mon guys,” Sakura gently rubbed Menma’s back. “Don’t be too hard on the kid. Let him rest.”

The Uchiha sighed and continued in a lighter tone, “I’m just saying to be more careful. If we had gone on with the inauguration, it would’ve been hours before you were found.”

Menma snapped his head at his Papa in shock. “You didn’t go to the ceremony?”

Naruto shook his head, grabbing Menma’s hands in his. “Of course we didn’t go. You passed out at Sai’s house and Ino just told us that your spirit was doing somersaults through time.”

“You didn’t go?” The boy asked meekly again, voice cracking.

“Kid, relax.” Naruto said gently, smiling confidently. “It’s okay. We’re just glad you’re okay.”

“But, but…!” Memories vividly crashed into him. The cold, cruel looks of the villagers. Papa’s dead eyes staring into nothingness. The lonely swing set, secret smiles by the lake, his Dad alone in his empty apartment - and started to cry. “Today is when Dad becomes Hokage! It’s an important day, you know! Because Dad was - and Papa was there too - and to Dad, becoming Hokage is - !”

Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura shared confused looks between each other at Menma’s sudden outburst. Naruto was the one first to react, pulling Menma closer to him with a small smile.

“Shhh, it’s okay. What’s the point in becoming Hokage if you aren’t prepared to make sacrifices for the people you love?”

Menma continued to cry into his Dad’s shoulder, holding tightly onto his fathers. He was here and he wanted the both of them to know that. He was here and they’re all together and things are better now.

Naruto and Sasuke shared a similar look, a small mix of confusion and pride. Sakura left the family to be as she tended to other patients, holding a small smile herself. She wiped away a tear before she left.

The two shinobis didn’t know what exactly happened to Menma, and wouldn’t find out until later that night, but somehow, they both had the same thought:

That Menma understood. And really, that much was enough.


	7. First Family Vacation!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW. IT'S BEEN DECADES. i feel bad, so there's smut in this chapter. honestly really. just a chapter full of nonsense fluff and smut. am i forgiven? anyways. yell at me for faster updates @ vikthot.tumblr.com ?? idk yikes

Menma was 6 years old when the Uzumaki/Uchiha family (last name still disputable) went on their first family vacation.

The Country of Waves went through an economic boom after the bridge became completed. Prosperous and lively because of its increased commerce and trade, even tourists were traveling far and wide to admire the city's aqueous views. 

Naruto Uzumaki held up a brochure to Menma and Sasuke, both who ate dinner silently across from him.

“Look at what Inari sent me!” Naruto pointed to the luxury resort pictured on the paper. “He built this! Doesn’t it look super nice? We should totally go!”

“Naruto, finish your food.” Sasuke didn’t spare him a glance.

The blonde lowered the paper to reveal his glare. “I’m not a child.”

“I finished!” Menma announced, showing his empty bowl.

“Even Menma finished before you.” Sasuke deadpanned.

“I can eat 10 bowls of ramen in 5 minutes.” Naruto retorted.

“Then eat faster and do the dishes. It’s your turn.”  

“Are you looking though?” Naruto pushed the brochure even closer towards Sasuke, using his best persuasive voice, which included a lot of whining. “There are hot springs, spas, complimentary breakfast and dinner! Inari said that we could stay there for _free!_ C’mon Sasuke, we haven’t had a vacation since we were 12.”

“Menma has school.” Sasuke motioned towards their child, who was collecting the bowls and placing them into the sink. Woah. Who taught the kid to do something like that? “Menma, don’t do the dishes. It’s your Dad’s turn.” Oh right, Sasuke “Germaphobe” Uchiha probably did.

“I wanna see!” Menma climbed back onto the chair and Naruto slid the paper over to him. Menma was the only chance at getting Sasuke to agree to this vacation. C’mon kid, Naruto didn’t give you those beautiful blue eyes for nothing.

“Woah, this place looks so cool,” The kid’s eyes brightened - _yes._ That’s exactly what Naruto wanted to happen. Just keep working those puppy eyes, my prodigal son. “Can we go? Pretty please, Papa?”

“Pretty, pretty please, Papa?” Naruto mimicked.

Two pairs of cornflower blue eyes, wide and sparkling, charm turned all the way up, stared at Sasuke. He looked between his idiotic partner, his “I Can’t Believe It’s My Son!” son, and the brochure. Private hot springs, isolated location, and promises of peace and quiet. It wouldn’t be...the _worst_ thing in the world…

“Fine.” Sasuke caved in and Naruto cheered. “We go for the weekend and we teleport there. I don’t want a repeat of our first mission if we travel by foot." 

“Roger that, sir!” Naruto fist bumped into the air.

His first vacation ever! With Sasuke! With their child! Naruto Uzumaki couldn’t believe it. He wrote to Inari immediately telling them of their arrival and then sent out another note to Kakashi to get out of his Hokage training. It was going to be so fun. They could take those cheesy family portraits everyone has in their living room. He could sleep for as long as he wants and soak in the hot springs for hours, not caring about anything, even if Konoha was going to shit. (Like Obama post-election.)

“Vacation!” Menma cheered with a laugh and Naruto ruffled the boy’s hair.

This was going to be so much fun.

 

* * *

 

Sasuke Uchiha pushed his fringe away from his face and activated his Rinnegan as Naruto and Menma watched. Naruto, after all of these years, still had a hard time getting used to it sometimes, but Menma just gasped in awe. No other parent could live up to the sheer awesomeness of his two fathers. And that was a fact.

“Ready?” Sasuke asked.

Menma nodded excitedly. “Teleport us!”

There was a slight uptick of Sasuke’s lips. “Your wish is my command.”

Black swirls surrounded them and Naruto held onto Menma tight. He always hated teleportation jutsus. It made him feel queasy, like bits of himself were being torn apart and then put back together inside of a blender. Menma didn’t seem to share the same feelings, because at one point, he thinks he hears his son cry out like he was on a roller coaster ride.

When Naruto finally felt his feet firmly planted on the ground, he willed himself to open his eyes.

**THE GREAT NARUTO BRIDGE**

Nostalgia hit him first at the sign. And then the nausea. He hunched over and dry heaved. He will never get used to that feeling for as long as he lived.

“You alright?” Sasuke asked and Naruto weakly smiled. “Just peachy. This is going to be,” Naruto hacked. “A great vacation.”

Sasuke rubbed Naruto’s back to help him through the worst bit of his spell, but he stopped midway once he realized what was in front of them.

“Oh my god.” His voice sounded in disbelief, almost mortified.  

Naruto kept his gaze on the floor, scared that if he looked up the world would still be spinning. “What’s wrong?”

He heard Menma exclaim, “Woooow!” and then it happened.

Naruto forced himself to straighten and open his eyes. He nearly vomited.

The mass crowd in front of them started to cheer, roars and roars of shouts and cries as they waved at him. A marching band emerged, playing a loud heroic tune with the trumpets blasting and bass lines booming. Two banners fell dramatically with confetti on either side of the bridge, which read:

**WELCOME UZUMAKI FAMILY SAVIORS OF THE WORLD**

Oh no. Naruto turned to read Sasuke’s expression, who clenched his fist. The banner only said “Uzumaki.” No Uchiha name in sight.

“Naruto!” Inari emerged from the festivities to greet him. “We’re so glad that you were able to make it! This must be little Menma, right?”

Instead of bowing and introducing himself, Menma gave Inari two confident thumbs ups and grinned lopsidedly. “Menma U.! U for Uzumaki and Uchiha!” Naruto laughed. Yeah, he definitely taught the kid that one.

“Sasuke, long time no see.” Inari smiled cordially, extending a hand. Sasuke merely glanced at it and said, “Hn.”

Inari retreated his hand and laughed awkwardly. “You haven’t changed at all, but that’s alright. You make being cool and mysterious work. I respect that, man.”

“Inari,” Naruto quickly changed the subject, pulling the man close to him. “What is all of this?”

The brunette didn’t seem to know what Naruto was talking about. “What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Naruto motioned towards the crowd and the parade with his hand, where they all cheered in response. “The people, the parade - _the band.”_

“Oh!” Inari laughed boastfully, like he hadn’t even noticed all of that. “Well, we just figured that we should celebrate the return of the shinobis that made our country great again!” (Trump, take notes.)

“This is so cool,” Menma waved to the crowd, who cried out in response, women squealing at how cute he was. “Papa, you try.”

“I’m good.” Sasuke rejected and Inari tried a shot at socializing with the Uchiha again.

“The resort is brand new and already booked for the next 5 years. We made special accommodations for your family, so your trip is just as memorable as the last time.”

“I almost died last time.” was Sasuke’s reply.

A tense silence overcame them and Inari tried to laugh his way through it. “I remember that. Well, I don’t want to keep you any longer. Shall we start heading to the resort now?”

“Yes please.” Naruto grabbed Sasuke’s arm, a subtle way of saying, “Please be on your best behavior and don’t scorch anyone here.”

They walked through the bridge where the crowd parted for them like the Red Sea. Not even Konoha had this much commotion when Naruto finally defeated Pein or when they all woke up from the Infinite Tsukuyomi. The people from the Land of Waves knew how to make people feel welcomed, Naruto would at least give them that.

They shuttled to the resort, which Sasuke thought was incredibly inefficient when getting there by foot would be much faster. Naruto reminded him that using chakra to leap over miles of terrain was for mission purposes only and Sasuke sighed.

“This is a mission. A personal one.”

When the resort finally came into view, it was exactly as it was in the brochure. Fancy, modern, humongous - a perfect vision of vacation and leisure. Rows of attendants came to greet them and take their luggage. Somehow with all of the commotion, someone had given Menma a large strawberry parfait? When did that happen? 

Inari chatted animatedly all the way up to their room - a suite with the view of the ocean and their own private hot spring. Menma took one look around the suite and pleaded, “Can we live here? Can we stay here forever?”

“That’s the plan, kid.” Inari laughed but a quick glare by Sasuke stopped him. “O-Of course, you would still have to go back to your equally beautiful home in Konoha...ha..haha…” Unable to take Sasuke’s aggressive non-aggressiveness any longer, Inari excused himself out of the room.

“Well, let me know if you need anything!” The door slammed and finally, _finally_ it was quiet.

Sasuke took the nearest seat he could find and Naruto forced a smile at him. "The resort is nice." He tried to lighten up the mood. 

"I should've known better than to think I could go anywhere with you and expect peace." Sasuke said mostly to himself. Menma was leaping on the beds now, hopping from one to the other. That parfait probably got him on a sugar high.

“We’re traveling with a 6 year old. We’re not scheduled for peace and quiet until Menma turns 18 and that’s being optimistic.”

At this, Sasuke actually snorted, relaxing in his seat. “How did he even get that parfait? We were with him the entire time.”

“Even kids can out trick the best of shinobis.”

Sasuke made a noise of agreement and Naruto settled next to him. Menma bounced away the last of his sugar high, while he and Sasuke lounged on the couch, sometimes in silence and sometimes chatting. Naruto rubbed small circles on Sasuke’s thighs, leaning his head on his shoulder and wondering when was the last time they were able to enjoy each other like this.

They’ve had quick sex sessions during the rare periods when they were together, the quickies in the shower with the water on full blast, but it was never like this. Even before Menma, it was never like this. There was always something going on. Reconstruction, meetings, training, more missions, redemption journeys, travels of far and wide.

They needed this, even if they didn’t know it. Even Sasuke, who was always so uptight, fighting against demons that will never leave his side, acknowledged that much. He closed his eyes and let himself get lost in Naruto’s touches and warm scent. Peace.

“Papa!! Dad!!”

But not so much quiet.

“Yes Menma?” Naruto answered quietly, rousing from his near sleep.

“Let’s go to the pool!” Menma slid in front of them, already wearing his swimming trunks. “I want to learn how to swim!”

Sasuke was the first to move. “Alright, let us get changed and we’ll go.”

They got dressed in their swimming trunks, but Sasuke kept a tank top on, which was for the better. Naruto learned the hard way that taking an Uchiha to any body of water half-naked left girls fainting by the shore.

“Now that I think about it,” Naruto started to say as they walked through the resort, Menma leading the way excitedly. “When did we ever learn how to swim?”

“Itachi taught me.” Sasuke replied after thinking about it. “I wasn’t very good at it though.”

Naruto scrolled through his brain, trying to find a particular memory. Was it Iruka-sensei? Jiraiya? No, he already knew how to swim by the time he met Jiraiya. “Oh!” Naruto remembered. “There was a dog drowning in the lake so I leaped in to save it. That’s when I learned.”

“You jumped into a lake to save a drowning dog, even though you didn’t know how to swim?”

The blonde nodded, like the question didn’t seem the least bit odd. “Yeah. It was a shiba inu.”

“Unbelievable. How can one person radiant heroic goodness.”

Naruto grinned at the compliment and turned back to Menma. “So...how are we going to teach Menma?”

Menma skipped happily, humming a random tune. Sasuke shrugged.

“Let’s drown a dog and see what happens.”

“You have the weirdest sense of humor.”

Sasuke kept silent after that, because he didn’t want Naruto to know that he actually wasn’t joking.

“Oh Menma!” Inari bumped into them. “Are you guys heading to the pool?”

“Yeah, I’m going to learn how to swim!” Menma put on his goggles to punctuate his point.

Inari laughed good-heartedly. “That’s great. You know, I used to teach kids how to swim once. It was really fun. I kind of miss it sometimes, before I became the head of this place.”

Sasuke and Naruto shared the same look. They turned back to Inari, who noticed that the two saviors of the shinobi world were staring at him. A bead of sweat trickled down his spine.

“Um, is there something wrong?”

Naruto grinned.

“Hey Inari, want to do us a favor?”

 

* * *

 

Naruto eased his body into the hot springs water, sighing loudly as his muscles relaxed, pores opening up. His whole body tingled as aches that he didn’t know were there subsided. Besides him, Sasuke took the same breath of relief, sinking even lower into the water. Menma was currently taking swimming lessons with Inari, which meant that for the time being, Naruto and Sasuke were temporarily off parental duties.

“So this is what vacations are like.” Naruto mumbled, sinking in so low that his chin touched the water.

“Hn,” Sasuke agreed. The only sound between them was their own breathing and the soft ripple of the hot springs.

Naruto glanced at Sasuke, who had his hair slicked out of his face. A rarity nowadays. He’s been growing out his fringe to hide his Rinnegan, but his chakra was so dormant in this environment that his eye reverted back to that dark onyx Naruto first fell in love with. Even though he wasn’t fully aware of it then.

It was a subconscious reaction, after years of breaking boundaries, to reach out and turn Sasuke’s face towards him. They weren’t that much older yet, barely on the cusp of their 30’s, but Sasuke honestly didn’t seem to age. His skin was still as soft as when he was 12, 16, and 21. His features remained handsome. And his body - Naruto’s eyes scanned him once over - was just as hot as ever.

The air around them became hotter, even though all they did was stare at each other, soaking in each other’s presence and admiring each other’s beauties.

What Naruto didn’t know was that Sasuke was thinking similar things himself. Since the blonde has been spending most of his days inside of the Hokage’s Office reading and attending meetings, his skin lost a lot of its calloused texture. Skin like smooth, delicious caramel underneath his lips, striking features that grew more defined and handsome as Naruto aged, and those eyes. God, those eyes.

There was no rush in their actions. Just a silent and slow build between them, making up for lost time.

Naruto moved his hand lower, brushing against Sasuke’s collarbones, barely touching perk nipples and pooling at Sasuke’s lower abdomen. Sasuke shivered and let out the smallest of breaths at the actions. They moved closer to each other; first their forehead touched, then their noses, and then - _oh -_ their lips.

A slick slide, tongues lazily exploring, in, out, once through the bottom lip, and a small bite at the top. Naruto made a small noise when Sasuke rubbed up and down his chest; he felt dizzy with arousal and from the heat of the hot springs.

“What’s it going to be?” Sasuke asked breathlessly. Naruto planted little kisses on Sasuke’s neck, tongue pressed against glistening skin. “I was bottom - _mm -_ last time.”

“And you were so good for me.” Naruto whispered hotly.

Sasuke’s dick twitched at his voice, so deep and dark, tingling down his spine. He loved it when Naruto got like this even if he would never admit it.

“You moaned for me, cried for me…” Naruto continued. He pinched Sasuke’s nipples and the Uchiha jerked in response, growing impatient and excited with every word. “What would other people say if they knew that Sasuke Uchiha begged to have my cock up his ass? That you could come just from fucking, like a dirty slut.”

Oh god, Sasuke was keening. His erection was embarrassingly hard just from this; Naruto’s words entrapping him in promises of pleasure.

“Naruto.” Sasuke said his name with a plea.

Naruto shushed him with another blazing kiss, hands wringing into Sasuke’s damp locks and pressing him deep. Their lips smacked together noisily and Sasuke grew hungry, fueled by the lewd sounds. He climbed onto Naruto’s lap, breaking the kiss to moan when their cocks finally rubbed together in the water.

“Already?” Naruto said with a leer, hands touching, rubbing, feeling at every place that wasn't Sasuke’s crotch, making him feverish.

Sasuke rolled his hips forward and moaned again, taking small pleasure in knowing that Naruto was just as hard as he was. Naruto hissed at the friction and within blue eyes, something swirled dangerously. He grabbed at Sasuke’s hair again and pulled it back roughly, eliciting a surprised gasp from his partner.

“Behave yourself.” Naruto nearly growled, teeth blaring against Sasuke’s skin. “We’re doing this at my pace, got that?”

He bit down on Sasuke’s shoulder and Sasuke bit his lip from moaning. He hissed, “ _Yes.”_

“Yes what?”

“Yes, Hokage-sama.”

“Mm,” Naruto lapped at the bite marks. “Better.”

Naruto’s chakra stirred, just for a second, and a shadow clone appeared. The clone was naked and once he saw what was going on, he inhaled a shuddering breath. His cock twitched.

“Go get the lube.” Naruto ordered the clone, who gazed at Sasuke with a predatory stare. “ _Now.”_

The clone went into their suite and Sasuke felt strong arms wrap around his waist, twisting them until he had his back against the smooth tiled floor. The air felt cold and crisp against his wetted skin, but once Naruto pulled his thighs up, baring him for the blonde to see, he knew the chill wasn't going to last.

“Look at that.” Naruto marveled, looking at Sasuke’s puckering hole. “You want me so badly, don't you?”

Precum pooled on his lower stomach, a thin translucent line dribbling from the head of his cock. Sasuke didn't respond, hoping that jump from his dick would be enough of an answer. Naruto always got like this during sex, the words coming out so smooth and sexy, leaving Sasuke a withering mess because of it.

And all of the promises Naruto makes, he keeps. So when Sasuke feels Naruto’s tongue, warm and wet, on his puckered hole, he gasps. His thighs clenched together, but Naruto's hands kept them spread apart. They were going to go at his pace, just as Naruto had said. He slid his tongue around the rim, relaxing the muscle, then pressed a sloppy kiss against the hole. Sasuke squirmed.

There were going to go painfully, frustratingly slow and there was nothing the Uchiha could do to stop it.

“ _Oh,_ look at you.”

Sasuke forced his eyes open at Naruto’s clone, whose dick was already hard just from seeing Sasuke debauched like this. Ass up in the air and cock twitching from getting eaten out. The clone gave Sasuke’s nipple a tentative flick and Sasuke cried, because he was being pleasured everywhere else except the place he needed it the most.

“Please,” Sasuke reached out and grabbed the clone’s cock, relishing in the groan that he got. For a second, it seemed like the clone would actually touch him and put him out of his misery, because - _hnng -_ Naruto’s finger just barely entered inside of him, using saliva as lubricant, and his tongue joined soon after once he was stretched enough.

Oh god, oh god, oh god. Sasuke arched, begging for the clone to touch him, free him, give him more. But there was a puff of white smoke and the clone was gone, only a bottle of lube in his place.

Naruto paused, groaning as the clone's memories came to him, a sight of Sasuke that he wasn’t able to see before.

“We never get to do it like this anymore.” Naruto murmured against Sasuke’s inner thighs, fleeting kisses, so close to Sasuke’s leaking cock. “I almost forgot how sexy you look when I have you like this. If I touched you right now you’d come, wouldn’t you.” He said it like it was a fact, like he knew Sasuke’s body inside and out.

Sasuke didn’t respond, because yes, he would. It’s been too long since they’ve had sex and even longer since they’ve done it like _this._ Naruto rubbed the top of Sasuke’s leaking head with his thumb pressed flat, collecting all of the precum and circling it around and around.

A soft cry escaped Sasuke from finally being touched, body racking at his balls grew tighter and his lower stomach pooled, the wave of pleasure just barely bringing him to the edge of orgasm, but it wasn’t enough. It still wasn’t enough.

“Naruto,” Sasuke’s hips rocked forward, wanting more. He hasn’t even been fucked yet and he was already begging. “More.”

“More?” Naruto echoed and he sounded so formal, like he was at a meeting and not stroking Sasuke’s cock. “How am I going to give you more when I’m already touching you like this?”

Sasuke whined, a pathetic sound that made him feel the humiliation deep in his bones, but it only made him harder, even more desperate.

“Fuck me.” He begged, another cry ripped from his throat when Naruto gave his cock a tight squeeze. “Please, please - ” Another slow, painful stroke and Sasuke’s dick gave a surprised early spurt, so close to an orgasm. “ _Ahhh,_ Hokage-sama!”

That was it. That was the switch. Naruto made a noise that didn’t sound quite human and reached for the lube, spreading it on his fingers and cock. He positioned his fingers at Sasuke’s hole and gave his partner a hard, domineering look.

“Don’t think I’m going to go easy on you just because you asked nicely.”

Naruto plunged his fingers in, waiting only a few seconds for Sasuke’s to adjust, before curling his fingers just right - Sasuke’s body twisted with a shout - _there._ Just like that. He pressed against that spot again and Sasuke clawed at the tiles, moans spilling out of his mouth hanging open. Naruto could come just by hearing those sounds alone.

“Shhh,” Naruto coaxed, leaning over to give Sasuke a kiss. “You don’t want anyone to hear you, right?”

Sasuke whimpered, tears springing from his eyes from the intense pleasure that kept building and building, but leading nowhere. Naruto’s fingers were relentless and precise. Sasuke couldn’t do anything but submit himself to that pleasure, crying out again and again, until all that came was breathy gasps.

“I wanted to see you like this for so long, but we just never had the time,” Naruto moaned, seeing Sasuke’s face contorted in ecstasy. “Just a little bit more baby, just hold out for me.” He removed his fingers and replaced them with his cock, the head of his cock just breaching into Sasuke’s slickened hole.

“Don’t you dare come before I say so.”

That was the only warning Sasuke got before Naruto thrusted into him, buried deep at the hilt, a loud smack as their bodies slammed together. Sasuke threw his head back and shouted? More like screamed as Naruto pulled out and rammed into him again.

It was coming and it was coming fast, Sasuke’s orgasm was creeping up on him as Naruto kept up his rough, but accurate thrusts against his prostate. He was going to come just from this, just from being fucked in the ass, just as Naruto promised.

“I’m gonna - _ahh! -_ Naruto I’m,” His tongue felt heavy in his mouth as he cried out, tears streaming down his face from the intensity. “ _Hnng…!”_

Naruto grabbed the base of his cock, preventing him from reaching that tipping point, from finally reaching sweet release. Sasuke whined and whimpered, pleaded and begged, but Naruto did not stop. He just kept slamming and slamming and slamming and Sasuke was losing his fucking mind. Let him go! Make him come!

“Hold on, baby, just hold on,” Naruto encouraged as Sasuke cried, choked moans erupting from his throat as Naruto fucked him senseless.

“Naruto, _Naruto!”_ Sasuke arched at a particularly hard thrust that left him breathless.

“I’m gonna come.” Naruto groaned and through all of Sasuke’s haze, he was still able to admire how hot Naruto looked like this. That he, and only him, was able to give Naruto pleasure like this.

“Hokage-sama,” Sasuke moaned and Naruto couldn’t take it anymore.

Naruto released Sasuke’s cock and gave it one, two strokes before Sasuke was coming, so intensely that he couldn’t even shout. Just an open mouthed, silent scream as strings of white spilled between them. A few more pumps and Naruto came inside him with a cry, milking out his orgasm with short, shallow thrusts.

The hot springs was quiet, except for the sound of both of their panting, as they came down from their highs.

“You fucking bastard.” Sasuke laughed. “I can’t believe you have a Hokage-sama kink.”

Naruto snorted. “What can I say? It’s always been a dream of mines.”

“Becoming Hokage wasn’t enough?”

“A dude can’t have multiple dreams?”

Sasuke tried to get up and winced, his back muscles wringing in pain. A puff of white smoke and a clone popped up again.

“Aw,” The clone pouted. “It’s over already?”

“Shut up and go get a towel, idiot.” Sasuke ordered.

“Wow,” The clone turned to Naruto. “Aren’t we lucky to have him in our lives?”

“ _Towel.”_ Naruto emphasized with a tick in his voice and the clone grudgingly abided.

The clone came back and tossed a towel at Sasuke, clearly still upset that he had missed out on all the fun.

“You know, this jutsu wasn’t created so you can have your own personal lackeys.” The clone crossed his arms.

“God,” Naruto sighed, giving Sasuke a tired look. “Am I always this annoying?”

Sasuke wiped himself clean. “Constantly.”

One puff and the pair were alone again, basking in the aftersex glow. Sasuke sunk back into the water, resting his head in his arms as he leaned against the edge. Naruto joined him in the same position, turning to face him.

“How do you put up with me?” Naruto asked, dozing off just a bit. “Out of all the years I’ve been alive, I think only 2 weeks of it was spent being bearable.”

“You didn’t give up on my annoying ass, so I don’t give up on yours.” Sasuke responded and Naruto laughed.

“Damn, why haven’t I married you yet?” He said without thinking, all light hearted intentions, but the atmosphere that followed was heavy with implication. A part of him panicked. Lamely panicked. “I mean, th-this isn’t a proposal or anything. Who does proposals nowadays anyways? It’s so cheesy -”

“Let’s get married.”

“I know it was so stupid of me to even -” Naruto paused and stared at Sasuke, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. “Wh-what?”

“Married.” Sasuke repeated and other than something soft in his eyes, his expression remained the same. “Officially. On paper.”

“Really?” Naruto whispered. Sasuke Uchiha, _the_ Sasuke Uchiha, was okay with getting married? To him? They already have a kid together sure, and everyone in the village knows that they’re a 2-in-1 combo sure, but being _married?_ In the eyes of Konoha law, lawfully wedded grooms?

“Really.” This time, Sasuke did slip a smile. “Who else is going to deal with you and your thousands of annoying clones, dobe?”

Naruto pulled Sasuke into an embrace, limbs hanging awkwardly because of their position, but Naruto didn’t care. He was going to get married. To Sasuke. His sworn rival. The love of his life. His best friend.

“This is the best vacation ever.” Naruto grinned.

Sasuke snorted, but his eyes were tender. “This is your _only_ vacation ever.”

Nothing could bring Naruto down from this happiness.

“Who cares.”

 

* * *

 

Menma stuck to Inari’s side like glue ever since his swim lessons, waking the man up early in the morning for “swim training” and not ending until late into the afternoon. By the time they checked out of the hotel, Inari had dark bags under his eyes, half a man than he was when they first arrived.

Sasuke and Naruto on the other hand looked refreshed, skin practically radiant. Their endorphins were high and if anyone asked, it was because of the amazing spa treatments and hot springs, but who were they kidding? They got noise complaints from the entire floor.

“I hope you enjoyed your stay.” The receptionist told them with a tight smile. It was obvious that she was happy to see them go.

“Oh we did.” Naruto wiggled his brows suggestively and Sasuke pulled the blonde by his ears, dragging him away.

“You’re a future Hokage. Please act like one.”

“Ouchie,” Naruto complained, rubbing his ear. Ah yes, the epitome of pride and dignity.

“Inari nii-san, let’s play again soon! Come to Konoha!” Menma offered and Inari used the last of his resolve to force another polite smile.

“O-Of course Menma, I _loved_ spending time with you this. Entire. Weekend.” Inari said through clenched teeth.

“C’mon Menma, let’s leave the poor man alone.” Naruto ushered his son away and gave Inari an appreciative glance. “Thanks man.”

“Anytime Naruto.” Inari looked like he was going to faint. “Always a pleasure.”

When the Uzumaki/Uchiha family finally teleported away, Inari promptly fell to the floor and didn’t wake for the next three days.

Menma and his soon-to-be wedded parents on the other hand…

 

*****SIGNING MARRIAGE DOCUMENTS*****

Receptionist: Congratulations on filling our your registration forms. I just have one quick question.

Naruto & Sasuke: Yes?

Receptionist: For the family name section, is it going to Uzumaki or Uchiha?

(silence)

Menma: Excuse me?

Receptionist: Yes, dear?

Menma: You might want to leave now. My daddy’s are going to fight.

Receptionist: Wha -

(EXPLOSIONS. WALLS CRUMBLING. THE GROUND SHAKING. TWO FLASHES OF BLUE.)

Menma, sighing: I told you.

  
*******


End file.
